Checked Her Phone, Found Messages To Her Ex

Tuesday | December 9, 2014

Love Letters Relationships

Checked Her Phone, Found Messages To Her Ex

Hi Meredith,

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a couple of months. Recently, I checked her phone (after several things didn’t add up) and realized she has been texting with her ex (and had stored his contact information under a girl’s name). She has told me that she wants me to put a ring on her finger and move in together, and even took me away on a very nice and expensive vacation as a birthday gift. She refused to let me help pay for any of it.

I know it was not right to check her phone (I feel extremely guilty). What confuses me is that the text messages with the ex are very flirty and are about making plans to meet up — prior to and after my vacation with her. I don’t understand why she would plan/pay for the nice vacation and want to move in together while she is texting flirty messages with her ex and trying to meet up with him. What also bothers me is the constant lying when she randomly brings up the ex’s name. I ask if she has communicated with him, and it is always a clear “no.” I feel like it’s a slap in the face every time.

I am not the jealous type and if she wants to be friends with her ex, so be it (we agree to disagree about talking to exes). But I feel there is more to it from the text messages. I want to end things with her. Overall, our relationship has been going south, partly because of her lies.

The question is, how do I end it without being made out to be the bad guy? I want to bring up the text messages, but I know I can’t because it was wrong to check her phone in the first place (she has checked my phone plenty of times and I have nothing to hide). Is my girlfriend emotionally cheating on me? And how do I avoid being the bad guy? Her friends and family are awesome. I just wish I didn’t check her phone — but there were clues leading me to want to check.

– Not Sure What to Do

Stop worrying about being the bad guy and try some good-guy honesty. As in, “I’ve been unhappy for a while and have been suspicious about your relationship with your ex. I violated your privacy by checking your phone and was uncomfortable with what I found. It seems that this relationship just isn’t working out.” She’s not going to want to hear any of that, but this is a breakup. It’s not going to be pleasant.

Checking the phone was a bad idea, but you did it for a reason. The relationship felt wrong — something was off — and you wanted to move it along to its final destination.

It’s unclear what kind of cheat has been going on here, but there have been secrets and lies on both sides. Come clean so you can move this along. You know how it ends.

Readers? Is he the bad guy for checking the phone? Was this a cheat? What about her requests for more commitment? Is he jumping to conclusions?

– Meredith

Relationships