Cheated on ... again

Tuesday | September 10, 2024

Love Letters Relationships

Cheated on … again

Enter to win a pair of free tickets to Love Letters night (Sept. 26) @ “Romeo and Juliet” at the American Repertory Theater. Use this link.

Also, what’s been on your mind about your relationship life (or lack thereof)? I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

My boyfriend of five years just confessed to me that he had sex with someone else. He was very sorry he hurt me. I was shocked – and when that feeling wore off, I had questions.

What he doesn’t know is that I have been in this situation twice before – in my first and second marriage, and I divorced them. I love this man and I forgive him, but I’m having a hard time trusting him again. The old me had no understanding. Now I’m older and more mature, so I’m trying to process all of it before letting the relationship go.

We live in separate homes, and honestly, I know the right thing to do is leave him alone, but I really love him and I’m so hurt. Every time I think about him I cry, and I promised myself I would never be in this situation again – to be hurt like this.

I feel like I’ve wasted five years of my life, that his love was all a lie. Should I leave this relationship or give him another chance?

– Hurt

You say that after the shock wore off, you had questions.

Well … did you get them answered?

People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Some fall in love with another person. Others desire a new kind of attention. I’m sure that for at least a few people, the cheat is a way to disrupt a status quo that isn’t working – to force conversations that need to happen.

I’m not excusing infidelities here; I’m just saying they’re all different, all nuanced. These betrayals might bring up similar feelings, but I have to assume that what you’re experiencing now is very different than whatever happened in Marriage 1.

My advice is to take your time with any decisions. If you don’t know what you want and he’s asking to continue the relationship, put off final answers and see how it feels over time.

Also, keep asking questions – of him and yourself. Were you happy in the relationship before learning this information? Was he? Why did he tell you he cheated? What are his hopes for the future? Are you excited to spend more time together?

Also, is there a reason he doesn’t he know what happened in your two marriages? Maybe this is the time to talk about uncomfortable subjects.

You didn’t share many details here. Maybe that’s because you don’t know enough.

Go ahead and process it all, but get the information you need to do it.

– Meredith

Readers? Are all infidelities equal? How do you get back to trusting someone who has hurt you?

I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Relationships

Featured Comment

You seem to have only touched the surface here, I think you need to look deeper, probably with a professional guide. You’ve been with this man for five years, and still haven’t shared your history with him. Either this relationship isn’t as intimate as you think, or you have difficulty with intimacy, or with picking partners who are capable of it.

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