Caught My Husband On Another Dating Site

Wednesday | November 1, 2017

Love Letters Relationships

Caught My Husband On Another Dating Site

I have been married to my husband for more than 10 years. More than a year ago, I caught him on Ashley Madison after finding his junk mail peppered with emails from them.

After I confronted him, he said he just wanted to see what it was all about, it didn’t mean anything, etc. He said really hurtful things about me on the site, like he is married but bored, looking for some excitement (me too!). He told me he loves us (we have kids), but I haven’t been able to regain that trust. I admit that things had become routine, and I continue to blame myself for him looking for attention elsewhere.

Today, though, I emailed him a coupon, and because I was on the home computer, I saw a message in his account – and it was a confirmation for a profile on Flirt.com. How do I confront him? I already gave him a horrible profile update. Honestly, I told him I would leave him if he hurt me again like this. I have no one to talk to because I don’t want our family or friends to know. I hate airing my dirty laundry.

What should I do? Forgive and forget? Confront him again? I am so deeply upset about this.

– Hurt

I don’t want to make any guesses about the potential for happiness in your marriage, whether your husband will be able to earn back your trust, or whether he even wants to.

What I do know is that you told him – in no uncertain terms – what would happen if he did this again. You said you’d leave. The end.

You need to ask him whether he understood that outcome. Was he hoping for it – or did he think you were bluffing? What does he want now?

As the two of you talk about this and decide what happens next, you should consider therapy because it can be a big help. But more importantly, you should reconsider the stuff you said about airing your dirty laundry. Family and friends (especially friends) are supposed to be there for you when marriage gets complicated. You don’t have to tell everybody everything, but there should be one or two people in your life who can handle the truth.

No one should have to navigate this alone. Try to trust at least one person in your life to help you process this, and maybe, at some point, you’ll be able to return the favor.

– Meredith

Readers? Would it help to talk to the people in her life? Why do sites like Ashley Madison send emails?

Cheating Relationships

Featured Comment

I would lean towards a divorce because I think his repeated actions despite being caught are primitive, blatantly selfish, and irresponsible given that he took wedding vows.

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