I Can’t Stop Thinking About His Ex

Thursday | May 21, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

I Can’t Stop Thinking About His Ex

Chat at 1. Letters to [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been dating my partner for two years now, one of which felt very rocky. When I first met him (on Tinder) he had very close female friendships, and at the time I wasn’t too bothered by this. That is, until the admissions deepened about how he felt about one woman in particular. She felt more like an ex he was not willing to let go of. At one point he even called her “the perfect [expletive] person.”

Time and time again I have set more specific boundaries and explained my relationship philosophies and needs, and time and time again he as agreed to them – and then broken them. Last summer he actually slept with another friend of his, and I eventually forgave him, but in his state of crisis he called the particular friend I had deep issues with and they spoke on the phone for five hours!

I am otherwise really happy in this relationship. He is kind, open to communication and my
needs, he offers me a lot of warmth and love, and admits he is trying to grow in a way that honors his own needs – and I believe him and have seen it. So while I don’t want to end things with him, I find myself FIXATED on this old friend of his (he has since entirely ended their friendship). I found a letter he wrote to her that almost seemed romantic, from about five months ago, and that was the last blowup in our relationship. I know I seem naive to believe he wasn’t in love with this woman.

What I’m looking for is a way to let go of her myself. To stop letting her take up so much space and in my mind. She knows who I am, has never really asked my partner about me, and never seemed to care about our relationship or boundaries. I guess because she’s never acknowledged me, I have pent up resentment. I know it’s my partner’s responsibility to help me find my peace of mind, but I also know I’ve developed an unhealthy fixation on her – reading their old messages, looking on her social media pages, etc. I want to be free from it. Help.

– Fixated and frustrated

“I know I seem naive to believe he wasn’t in love with this woman.”

Well, maybe he was. It sounds like he was.

But the more important moment is now. Who brings him happiness in the present? How has the relationship changed? I’ve seen many relationships start messy – in some cases, very messy – but then the couple grew up over time. Is that what’s happening with you and your partner?

You say it’s his job to give you peace of mind, and sure, I guess he’s supposed to do his part to let you know you’re loved and supported, but it is your job to exorcise the ghost for yourself. Block this other woman’s social media accounts. When you find yourself reaching for old notes and messages that, by the way, are none of your business – and old! – do something very different. Call a friend or, I don’t know, brush your teeth. There’s something about turning to another quick activity that switches gears, at least for me.

It might also help to admit that this relationship is still a big question mark. It doesn’t have to be all bad or all fixed and better. Two years in, you’re still looking for evidence that there’s hope for some kind of heathy future. That work continues. Perhaps if you acknowledge that it’s not “100 percent great,” “no problems here,” you’ll be less likely to search for mistakes.

Just so you know, if a significant other told me some person was “[expletive] perfect,” I’d be tempted to google her too. But you know what she looks like. You’re done now.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you get rid of this ghost?

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