My Boyfriend Talks To His “friend” Every Day

Tuesday | March 31, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

My Boyfriend Talks To His “friend” Every Day

Dear Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. The first three months of our relationship were some of the best times of my life. I truly believed I had found my soulmate. He says I’m the first girl he’s said “I love you” to (his friends told me the same thing). But right after the three month mark, I found out that he was talking to an old friend of his every single day. This woman is married, and she has been in his life for 15 years (they are both in their 40s). As soon as I found out, I completely lost it.

Now, I have always been a “one of the guys” kind of a girl. And my experience has taught me that a guy and a girl can never stay just friends. Especially if they’re talking on the phone every day. Also, he never told me about this woman until I found out. He knew that I was a very jealous person even before we started dating. Wouldn’t you think that if their friendship was that innocent, he would have told me about her, instead of waiting until I found out on my own? He has since stopped talking to her. Although he did wish her a happy birthday and bought her a present.

A couple of months ago, I called this woman to find out once and for all what was going on between them. And instead of telling me there was nothing going on, I got answers like, “What does it matter? He chose you,” and “I’m very happy he’s found someone, I always wanted him to find someone, I just wish you weren’t so jealous,” and “He wasn’t born yesterday; he had other people in his life before you came along.” She even refused to answer when I asked her whether they slept together by telling me, “It’s a very private question.”

The only thing she told me was that he didn’t tell her about me because he’s a very private person. Am I just being crazy and insecure or does this sound fishy to you too? Do you have guy friends you talk to every day? Or exchange gifts with? Is he gaslighting me?

– Old friends?

“My experience has taught me that a guy and a girl can never stay just friends.”

I’m sorry this has been your experience because it’s not some universal law. Thank goodness it isn’t because, wow, that would be pretty limiting.

I don’t think it’s fishy at all that your boyfriend checks in with his best friend every day. I do think it’s weird that you didn’t know about this woman, and that she wasn’t told about you. Privacy is great, but this seems like a weird omission. I can understand why he didn’t look forward to telling you about her; he probably knew what your reaction would be. Still, he didn’t do anyone any favors by delaying the inevitable. He could have started with a simple introduction. Maybe you would have liked this woman if you’d met her with her spouse at something like a dinner.

For the record, I don’t think this woman’s responses were fishy. You were making some big accusations, and she had some great points. He wasn’t born yesterday, which means he’ll have friends and stories you just don’t know.

Here’s the thing, though – this is who he is. He likes to keep some things to himself. His version of privacy means you won’t know everything. If that makes you uncomfortable and pushes you to become Sherlock Holmes about what’s happening in his life, get out now. It’s not the kind of relationship you need. If you like transparency and rules, find someone else.

– Meredith

Readers? Is anything fishy here? What about the LW’s call to the best friend?

Jealousy Relationships

Featured Comment

And my experience has taught me that a guy and a girl can never stay just friends.

How many times have you watched the movie ‘When Harry Met Sally’? This is just weird 90s romcom bs, it’s not even a little bit true. ‘He knew I’m a jealous person’ doesn’t mean he should walk on eggshells to appease that part of you. It means you should work on your jealousy issues.u0022 – audreylyn Share Thoughts