An update about relaxing in a relationship

Monday | March 24, 2025

Love Letters Relationships

An update about relaxing in a relationship

We’re having a short week. I’m working on some bigger stories that are taking up some time.

Today we have an update/letter. Then some best-of letters that I hope will inspire more writers to send updates.

Please send your own anonymous question – or update, former letter writers! – here. I am reading.

Dear Meredith, I wrote to you in May 2023, panicked about my boyfriend (he was behind in school… I did not handle that well). Judging by the rushed thoughts, lack of nuance, and general chaos of my writing, I’m sure it was obvious that I spiraled when I felt stuck (hard to admit as someone who’s always go, go, go).

The comments split into two camps: yours suggested I should leave him, while others thought I needed to back off and let him be young. When the letter published, I spiraled a bit. Some comments still make me laugh. Some favorites: “Anyone who thinks this much about nonsense is really way overdue for a good O-release.” (Fair point.) “You present yourself as a nagging taskmaster.” (True. I did.)

With perspective, I see both sides had merit. He needed to handle his own issues without my mothering, and I needed to relax my expectations (not the ones I have for myself, or my future, but what the roadmap for getting there is). My favorite was: “No inherent reason a PhD and a bank robber can’t make it.” This is when it clicked. I’m not calling myself a PhD and I’m certainly not calling him a bank robber. But I’ll never ask him to write a press release (I’m a publicist, don’t hate me), and if he needs help writing his essay for art school so he can continue to make his art, so be it. (Dear comment section: this is a gross generalization of our relationship, be nice ;). Also dear comment section, I am not writing this for your approval).

Building a life together doesn’t need to happen on some predetermined schedule in your 20s. Having someone who slows my pace has become a blessing. I’ve learned to communicate through guilt rather than avoiding it.

[My experience with Love Letters] showed me just how difficult it is to give good advice about love in your 20s. So my question is: how do you do it?

– FLW (Former Letter Writer)

Well, I didn’t give you the right advice, apparently.

I told you to leave him, and that would have meant missing out on these lessons – and a good relationship.

How does one give good advice to people in their 20s? Or anyone? I think it’s different in real life. IRL, we can ask someone questions and guide them toward the answer they know deep down.

Online or in writing, we can tell someone what we think; then they can pick through the ideas and see what sounds right to them.

In your case, the bank robber/PhD comparison showed you what you’re not. You also realized the whole question didn’t have to be such a big deal.

I think it’s helpful when someone gives me bad advice – as long as they do it kindly. The wrong directions trigger something in my gut that says, “Not that! There is a better option!”

Of course, sometimes it’s hard to stay calm when someone gives bad advice, especially if they know you well. And online, if people aren’t kind, it can be messy, for sure.

But here at Love Letters, some of the tough love I see is still meant to guide.

This is the best kind of update because you figured things out – and you learned.

I do think that people older than 30 forget how your 20s are meant for self-discovery. If you had it all figured out, with no insecurities or need for lessons, you’d be a robot.

After this experience – the one in your life, and the one with Love Letters – I bet you could give great advice. When appropriate, give it a try.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on how this worked out – and on giving advice? How is your Love Letters advice different than what you might say to someone in real life? Does getting the wrong advice help?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Send your own anonymous letter here – or to [email protected].

Love Letters Updates Relationships

Featured Comment

There’s an old proverb (“Man plans, God laughs”) and I advise you to not get too attached to life plans you make in your 20s. And on the flip side, not beating yourself up if you have to take a detour here and there. Most people do.

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