‘Any Advice On How To Start This Conversation?’
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Q.Hi Meredith,
In December, 2019 I met a sweet and caring man I’ll call Alex. Alex and I had a lot of fun together. There was an easy sense of respect and love for each other, and the chemistry was palpable. After a couple months of dating, Alex asked if we could pause and maybe try again when he had more to give. He was a divorcé of almost two years and I could sense that he was still kind of finding himself again. I completely understood and respected that.
I gave him space and didn’t reach out for weeks. Then Valentine’s Day came around and he reached out. I ended up going to his house after a lovely night out with the ladies. That was the start of our friends-with-benefits relationship. Since then we have seen each other once or twice a month. I’ve had my ups and downs about it because I think I’m ready for something more. But our whole setup has been great and works logistically. We both have careers and each have a kid. It’s been especially nice to have someone during the pandemic. We are great friends and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. It truly is a beautiful thing and I am grateful. It’s been almost eight months since we started this whole friends-with-benefits thing though. I want to breach the “are you ready for more” discussion. But I don’t know how.
We get so little time together because of our schedules and our kids’ schedules that I just like to live in the moment when I’m with him. Any advice on how to start this conversation? I think I have such trepidation about it because although Alex and I know and share so much about each other’s lives, I’ve noticed that he kind of clams up if I mention anything about feelings or get too deep about us. I’m not a huge fan of conversations like this either; I’m more of a go-with-the-flow person. But I recognize that if this is bugging me I need to let it out.
For context: I have been on some dates in the past few months (socially-distanced). But, it’s worth noting that after these dates I mostly just end up missing Alex. *insert face palm emoji*
– Cautiously Wanting More
A.These conversations aren’t fun, but they’re necessary – at least for you, right now. It’ll help if you go into it with a clear sense of what you’re asking. You want more, but what would “more” look like? You’re already seeing each other as much as you can because of the pandemic and schedules. If you’re not asking for more time, it’s important you make that clear.
It sounds like what you really want is the possibility of more – to allow things to grow when they can – and to find out whether he’s open to exclusivity. Is he dating other people in his own, socially distanced way? Maybe it would help to let him know you’re talking walks with others but would rather be with him. You’re patient and know he can’t be a full-time partner, but you’d like to know whether he has an open mind about how this could evolve.
Sometimes these conversations work better in pieces. You can state your intentions and then ask him to think about what you said. Then you can revisit later, when he’s ready to say something. This doesn’t have to happen all at once.
The big thing to remember is that what you’re saying isn’t very overwhelming. You’re not asking to move in. All you want is an openness to getting closer, and to be in a relationship where you’re not seeing other people. If he can’t get his head around that after this many months, you’ll have to consider moving on.
– Meredith
Readers? What is the LW asking for? What’s the best way to ask for it?
Be civil. Be kind.
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