More Advice On Advice, Please

Thursday | December 17, 2020

Love Letters Relationships

More Advice On Advice, Please

Be safe on this snow day, New England. Chat at 1 p.m. Former letter writers, today is a great day to send an update. What happened after you wrote in? Was the advice any good? Send your update to [email protected] with “update” in the subject line, please. The rest of you: send your relationship, dating, marriage, I’m-sick-of-my-partner-in-quarantine questions to [email protected] or fill out this form.

Hi Meredith,

I have a very close friend who’s been in a relationship for about four years now. She’s in her mid 20s; he’s in his early 30s. Since day one, they’ve done nothing but fight with each other over silly things, mistrust one another, and simply never seem to actually enjoy each other. He travels for work, so the majority of their relationship is actually long-distance. They’ve called each other names or quarreled when we’ve all been out to dinner. My friend has confided in me that she is so unhappy, miserable all the time, feels like just a roommate with him, is annoyed by everything he does, and even stated that she cannot imagine living her life with this person as a husband.

Most recently, they had a blowout fight about the organization, or lack thereof, of the pantry. It’s often about things that are easy to argue about, but mask their longstanding resentment of one another. They aren’t engaged yet, fortunately. She claims to be too scared to have to start over if they ultimately break up and says that everyone in her circle is settling down. She also says she doesn’t want to have to find a new place to live, and potentially have to live with roommates.

I just don’t know what more to do as her friend. I listen, I empathize, sometimes offer advice, but rarely suggest a course of action. My husband says it happens all too frequently to take seriously, but I can’t help but feel sad that she is so unhappy and genuinely needs an outlet for venting. I always want to be available for her, but at what point do I say enough is enough and she needs to leave and seek out happiness? I fear that I would make her think that she cannot confide in me.

– Confidant

Some will say this is not a Love Letters letter, but it’s about how to give advice, and that’s what we do here, so let’s discuss.

As a friend, you can be a mirror. You can tell her what she’s told you. That can be the most helpful thing – and feel free to call it by the numbers. As in, “You’ve come to me 12 times in the past month about your unhappiness, and you’ve used words like ‘miserable’ every time. Did you know that?” The information can be a big reality check.

You can also ask transparent questions. “Is staying with a bad partner and committing for life scarier than having a random roommate for a little while? What will it feel like if you want to break up in five years and you have to start over then, as opposed to now?” Tell her to take her time and think before she answers.

Feel free to be honest when something is above your pay grade. You’re worried about her and wonder why she remains in something so toxic. This is a great time for her to explore these questions with a therapist. You can tell her she might find a more productive outlet for venting if she seeks out a professional.

You can tell her your problem, which is that you’ve hit a wall with listening. You want to be there for her, but you feel unhelpful and overwhelmed by the consistent misery. You can explain that you don’t know whether to suggest a course of action, when one (her leaving her partner) is so clear.

If she never asks about you, you can let her know that, too. A miserable relationship can give a person tunnel vision. Don’t be afraid to snap her out of it with that truth. If she’s a good friend, she’ll care.

FYI, I worked with NPR’s Life Kit on an “advice about advice” episode. It might help. It’s a nice little listen and features some of my favorite advice givers.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you say, “Just break up already!” and preserve a friendship?

Friends Relationships