A roommate-friendship-boyfriend problem

Tuesday | May 20, 2025

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A roommate-friendship-boyfriend problem

Complicated question about friends and roommate breakups. How do you go about trying to stay civil with a friend when they are the one that made the situation messy with a management company?

I’m pretty sure she is breaking the lease because she is jealous of my boyfriend and I moving in together while she is doing long-distance?

Would love to keep things clean and even stay friends, but right now it just doesn’t seem feasible. I have been in sticky roommate situations before and ended up losing friends because of it, and then re-finding the friendship a year later.

I would love to also make more friends in my 20s, but it just seems so impossible. Any advice is helpful advice! How do I: make more friends, balance having girlfriends and my boyfriend whom I love a ton and want to spend time with, focus on my own career and studies, and try to maintain the relationship with myself?

– Just a girl trying to retain friendships in her 20s but having a hard time setting and holding boundaries <3

I don’t have magic answers to all of your final questions. But I do know you’re not going to be able to do everything. Time with your boyfriend means less time with friends. Time with friends means you’re not studying.

I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s feeling like I was in the wrong place, missing out on the things that were most important. When I was with friends, I was guilty I wasn’t with family. With family I was thinking, “What about work?”

My older-maybe-wiser advice is to believe it’s all the right place, and that it’s OK to miss out sometimes. Be very present wherever you are. That’s the best you can do.

As for the roommate stuff, you’ve learned you don’t do well living with friends, which makes sense. It’s a contractual agreement, not really designed for friendship. I’d rather live with a stranger who keeps to themselves than a bestie who might mess up the security deposit. My best friend was my roommate for many years, but I think that worked out because we were roommates first.

With this particular friend, let it be weird for a bit, keep your big resentments to yourself, ask her for a practical solution (hopefully, she’ll pay out the lease), and reevaluate the relationship when you’re no longer under the same roof. Maybe six months out of the lease, it’ll be easy to forgive – or walk away.

– Meredith

Readers? Have you been roommates with friends? How did you manage time in your 20s? How do you manage time now?

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Featured Comment

If you’re upset with your friend, talk it out. Don’t guess or put your thoughts on her.

You’re experiencing normal life. There are no definitive answers to your questions. You learn by deciding what is important to you and what needs your attention. What you want out of life, your work, your studies, and your relationships.

You’ll be living with your boyfriend, so that changes lots of dynamics. This is no longer dating, it’s building a life together. … It doesn’t mean you love your friends any less, but you may alter how you spend time with them.

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