Did I Ruin The Engagement?

Friday | October 7, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

Did I Ruin The Engagement?

Ring watch. Also, thanks to those who entered the SpeakEasy Stage contest. Winners have been notified.

Dear Meredith,

I need some advice (and probably should have written to you months ago). My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for the past two and a half years. It was pretty close to love at first sight, and I knew very early on that this relationship was different from others I’ve been in.

We discussed moving in together early in the relationship but I was hesitant to make that kind of a move without more of a commitment – namely an engagement ring. He knew my feelings about this but said he would never get engaged to someone he hadn’t lived with first. After some serious discussions about our future, I decided to move in with him on the condition that it would lead to an engagement. That was one year ago, and still no ring.

About six months ago, I brought up our future engagement and he seemed caught off guard, and it became clear we were on different timelines. Since then, we have had many discussions about our future and it seems we are now on the same page. We love each other very much, but now I am worried that he feels forced to pull the trigger and that I’ve ruined a moment that’s supposed to be special for us. He hasn’t proposed yet but I pretty much know when it’s going to happen. Am I right to feel some anxiety about this? How much does this part of a relationship shape the future of one?

-Future Fiancée

Please don’t worry about ruining the engagement “moment.” Not everyone gets the jewelry commercial “Oh my, I had no idea this was coming!” proposal, and perhaps many of the the ones who do shouldn’t. The truth is that the decision to make a lifetime commitment is a massive one that takes great thought, negotiation, and discussion. Often, it involves planning and compromise. Don’t worry about making it look like a movie.

If you’re worried he’s only doing this because you made a demand, think about why he agreed, and what came out of those engagement conversations. Was it a real consensus? Did he walk away feeling like he was a part of the decision? If the answer is yes, that’s good. That’s all that matters.

If not, though, and you fear he walked away from those conversations feeling coerced, you do have to re-open the dialogue. Because how you get engaged is far less important than why. He has to be on board with the why.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this about the surprise factor or that she fears he’s not on board?

Proposals Relationships

Featured Comment

It wasn’t love at first sight, it was lust at first sight. If this was truly love, you’d both be on the same page as you worked your way through this relationship.

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