My Brother-in-law Is Cheating

Friday | August 5, 2016

Love Letters Relationships

My Brother-in-law Is Cheating

Meredith,

About two months ago I was told by someone that my brother-in-law had cheated on my sister. This person was very close to him, and though this person has a bit of a vendetta against him, I do believe what was said. I was given very detailed information, such as how he met these women (dating sites such as Plenty of Fish) and roughly how many women (approximately 10-12). I confronted my brother-in-law and he did not deny everything, and said the number of women was three. He did confirm how he went about it, such as using the websites. Details such as encounters at his work and approaching my sister’s coworkers were denied. He promised he would see a therapist (which he said he has), and this would never happen again. I am torn. Do I tell my sister and risk their family being torn apart, as they have children? I have had no contact with him except family gatherings, and even then there is almost no talking between us.

– Torn

We’ve taken on versions of this question before, and our answers seem to vary based on the details. Butting in when you don’t know the couple very well seems like a bad idea. Approaching the cheater can be fruitless. If you’re dealing with the issue as a couple, it’s more complicated.

In your case, it all depends on your relationship with your sister. If you’re siblings who care for each other and share, please do. This could be the information she needs to confirm suspicions she’s had anyway. It could be the thing that brings them both to counseling to save their marriage.

Telling her also undoes the strange relationship you’ve developed with the brother-in-law. It shouldn’t be on you to check to make sure he’s in therapy. It shouldn’t be on you to set the terms for his behavior improvement plan. You don’t want to feel responsible for monitoring his follow-through.

The most important thing to consider with your sister is delivery. Make sure it’s clear you have no expectations, and that you will not pass judgment if she decides to remain in her marriage. Let her know that you’re telling her because you love her. Assure her that you’ll go with the flow, no matter what.

– Meredith

Readers? Should he tell? If not, should he check up on the brother-in-law?

Cheating Relationships

Featured Comment

She should know, but you shouldn’t have to be the one to have to do it. He should. I think telling him he should do it or you will, or put him on the spot when all three of you are in the same room by saying something like ‘Joe has something to tell you, Mary’ and then leaving might get the job done.

Wendy Share Thoughts