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‘An ick factor’: Our favorite Love Letters comments in December
Commenters offer some great advice. We all notice.
We have a new person helping with Love Letters comments.
No, I can’t say anything about them.
They are not an intern. They have lots of other things to do. But for us, Captain Commenter reads, chooses a featured comment, and because the Captain is new, he’s really been enjoying getting to know the personalities here.
Hint: I’ve told him about some previous commenters and he’d love to meet them. Feel free to talk to the captain.
He is not an actual captain, but I like the aliteration of the name.
This month, we had five letters that were more viewed, shared, read, etc. than the rest. The Captain assembled these letters, and paired each with the comment he chose.
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As we continue, he will also start boosting well-liked comments, look for patterns, and maybe he’ll comment himself (I haven’t convinced him yet).
Now, in countdown form, here are the most popular letters of December. No. 1, for the record, was one of my favorite letters of all time in this column. I loved how the LW explained – with great empathy – what so much people experience and wonder how to fix.
Comments are best when we get letters to think about. Send your anonymous question here. Let’s go into the year knowing what we want to do with our complicated lives.
5. ‘When do I bring up sex?’
Featured Comment
“Why do you think you need to talk about it to someone you are dating? I would be very annoyed if a man I was dating asked me ‘when are we going to have sex.’ I would want it just to happen, not have a whole conversation about it beforehand, buzz kill! If you like someone then kiss them and see what happens from there, you will be able to tell by her reaction if she wants to go further than a kiss.”
Share Thoughts4. ‘I saw my friend’s dad at a bar’
Featured Comment
“When my daughter was in college, she told me how one of her friends was having a fwb relationship with a well known actor my age. This guy has a daughter 10 yrs older than these college kids. Although there was an ick factor to it, no laws were broken. Two consenting adults, each getting presumably what they wanted.”
Share Thoughts3. ‘If he proposed right now, I’d say no’
Featured Comment
“My view is that relationships take work to maintain; but it’s not supposed to be hard. Compatible couples who love each other, respect each other, enjoy each others company and communicate well make a good team to get through life’s difficult moments.
I wish you had elaborated on the double standards and what you’re working on in couple’s therapy. Without that information; I suggest just focusing on the present and how things are now instead of getting ahead of yourself with a proposal that hasn’t happened. Even if this proposal was to happen tomorrow and you’re as ambivalent as you are in this letter; the only proper response would be ‘no.”.
2. ‘Stuck in serial monogamy’
Featured Comment
“To really break the cycle, you have to understand why it keeps happening. I imagine it’s 1 of 2 things: you’re either discarding perfectly good partners when things start to get serious because you’re scared to commit, or you pick people who are fundamentally wrong for you (ignoring red flags in the beginning, brushing off major incompatibilities) and are therefore doomed to eventually reach that 2 year mark where things feel wrong (because they never felt totally right in the first place). A therapist could help you get to the bottom of it.”
Share Thoughts1. ‘What we talk about is … boring’
Featured Comment
“It sounds like a phase of fatigue and burnout. From what I’ve seen, it’s common. Can you create a life that allows you both to breathe more and in which you can do some interesting things together, such as volunteering (Habitat for Humanity?), a dance studio (they have classes, dance practices, and a social aspect), a church or temple, weekend art workshops; yoga or tai chi class; recreational biking, hiking, or Volksmarch club (since you like to walk)?
Find things that are noncompetitive (for less stress). Try a meditation practice, it will help with relaxation. Hire any help you can to lighten things on the home side such as a housecleaner, babysitter, etc.
Then there are couples who have done a complete reset—e.g., one of them decides to go for a work schedule or job with fewer hours or to go back to school for another career; or the couple moves to another area, or a smaller home that’s less work. They look for options that might make their lifestyle feel less nonstop-crazy.
Some even get rid of their TV and report benefits.”
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