My husband and I have been married for three years, together for seven. Life is great except for one problem: His old flame just won’t go away. Let’s call her “Alex.” My husband and Alex were friends for a couple of years at the end of high school, more than a decade ago, and dated for a month or two before deciding to go back to being friends. He started dating someone else, they got engaged, and then he cheated on the fiancé with Alex one night about 10 years ago. That relationship ended, Alex moved a couple of hours away, and she and my husband grew apart.

I came into the picture and found out the whole story after the first time she contacted him, about six months into our relationship. She sent him a private message with a music video for a song about being saved by a relationship. He convinced me she meant it as a “friend” because they were friends originally. Six months later, she saw him in public and told him she loved him. He again assured me it was just in a friendly way. Cue more of this vague “You were the only one I ever loved” crap for SIX MORE YEARS.

Usually he waits a few days to tell me about a new message because he “doesn’t want to upset me.” I’m not the angry type – I like to think I’m pretty rational – though I have cried to him about her more straightforward messages. Once Alex sent a message that was just vague and depressing enough that it could be taken as a warning of self-harm, prompting my husband to contact her family to make sure they checked on her. I have asked him many times to just cut her out of his life but he says that they were friends and he’d feel bad if anything happened. If that’s the case, I think he should contact her family about making sure they get her the appropriate help and let them handle it. I told him she’s holding him hostage emotionally but he refuses to see it. He swears he loves me, but if that’s the case, why can’t he let her go? I can message her saying to stay away, but it’s meaningless unless it comes from him. What should I do?

– Help