My Wife Can’t Deal With My Family

Friday | June 17, 2016

Love Letters Marriage

My Wife Can’t Deal With My Family

If you missed chat yesterday, it’s here.

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have two kids, one is 10 and one is just over a year old. Having two kids has been difficult for us since we both have to work full time. There is no time for either of us to get anything done or to relax and have a drink with friends after work.

Every time something happens in our life (i.e. something gets misplaced, the house is messy, financial issues, kid problems, etc.), my wife will find a way blame my parents, especially my mother. She’ll talk about how I was raised or get upset about my mother wanting to visit with us and the grandkids for a few hours once a week.

A little background on my wife: She has no family to speak of, really. Her parents died before we met and what little family she does have are a very giving, relaxed kind of people. Meanwhile, my family is more like a slightly milder version of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” They act out of love and with the best of intentions, but usually fall short on execution. It’s been such a struggle that I DREAD holidays, especially Mother’s Day and Christmas.

Last month, I ordered flowers for my mom for Mother’s Day, and when I told my wife, she said, “Well, have them delivered to her house, it’s MY DAY, not hers!” I have done everything including lying and deceiving to keep my wife’s distain under wraps. When I recommended some kind of counseling or therapy, the claws came out and I slept on the couch for a week. I don’t want to split up or divorce her because I still love her. I’m not sure where else to turn.

– Help

I like the idea of couples therapy. Perhaps she’ll go if you explain that you want to figure out how to make life easier for her. If you bring it up again – and I think you should – tell her that your goal is to preserve your marriage. If she doesn’t want to join you for this work, you can go on your own.

Also ask her to help you come up with a plan for more peace. Would it be better if you brought the kids to your parents’ house once a week to give her some space? If she had more time alone, would it be easier to deal with get-togethers and holidays? Is it time to hire a cleaning service? What will help ease that distain? Right now, it’s clear that she thinks of you as Team Mother. You need to tell your wife that you’re with her, and that you want to figure this out together.

You should also consider telling your parents that your wife needs assistance and space. If they’re loving like a sit-com family should be, they’ll have some empathy.

– Meredith

Readers? Should he tell his parents to back off? Is his wife being fair?

Family 🖤 Marriage

Featured Comment

Your wife goes ballistic if her kids see their Grandmother for a few hours a week? And, she refuses to go to counseling? I think there is more to the wife and mother-in-law relationship than the LW provided. Maybe set up a night a week where the LW and the kids go to the Grandmother’s house for dinner? At a minimum, she needs to develop a better way to deal with stress (misplaced items, financial issues, etc.).

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