Dear Meredith,

I’ve been in a relationship for eight years with an amazing guy. He’s compassionate, intelligent, and kind. We met during our freshman year in college and have dated since (four years in college, three years in the same city, and over a year long-distance).

There’s been a lot of growing up that has happened during the relationship. The first couple of years were rocky (a couple of quick breakups), but there weren’t any arguments that stood out as deal-breakers. During this time, we would also go through periods where we would spend every minute with each other and periods where we would maintain largely separate lives.

After graduation, we both went off to New York where I spent a couple years in a tough job. The work hours were rough, as was the transition from school to “real life.” While we struggled to find a new normal after graduation, we quickly figured out a routine that worked for the both of us. During those years, we also learned to manage expectations, honed our ability to communicate with each other, and learned the art of compromise. A couple years in, I selfishly realized that I needed to move to the West Coast. That need became so overwhelming that I realized I would resent my boyfriend for holding me back if I didn’t make that move. He was sad but realized how much I needed to do this for myself and supported me in my job search and eventual move.

After the move, we once again tried to find a new normal, which we’ve reached. Long-distance, while not ideal, has been pretty smooth. We’ve both spent our time discovering new hobbies, connecting with old friends, and making new ones. After about a year of long-distance, we discussed our long-term plans, and he eventually agreed to move to the West Coast.

That brings us to today. I’m currently at a point where a number of my friends are getting engaged and married, and I have no inclination to do so myself. Marriage holds no appeal to me, and sometimes when people bring it up, it makes me feel nauseous. While the rational part of me believes that this reaction is not a reflection of how I feel about my relationship, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong. Often when people talk about marriage and the desire to get married, they use phrases like “You just know!” That makes me wonder if the relationship I’m in is “wrong.”

When I reflect on my relationship, I do feel that I love my boyfriend, and more importantly I respect and trust him. He is my No. 1 confidant, the person who knows me better than myself sometimes. I can’t say that we have a “burning passion” that some people associate with “true love.” But when I think about that, I can’t help but wonder why I would trade my relationship for something that’s volatile, mercurial, and probably very difficult in the long run. However, every once in a while when I’m browsing Instagram and see pictures of people who are so excited to get married, I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with my relationship or if it’s just me.

Any feedback or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

– Young But Not Restless, West Coast