We Found Out He Has A Child

Monday | November 21, 2016

Love Letters Marriage

We Found Out He Has A Child

Hi there,

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. One month after our wedding, we found out that he is the father of a child from a previous relationship. From what I gather, they dated and my husband ended things with her because she slept around with another men. She told him that she was not keeping the child, but it turns out she did.

Two years later, I am still having a difficult time with this situation because he didn’t tell me any of this history before he decided to propose, and because after his paternity was confirmed, we’re now having to pay $450 child support a month. Not to mention adding an extra $200 a month to our insurance bill. I am worried and stressed about how we will afford our own children when we’re ready to have them.

He hasn’t wanted anything to do with the child, and has been out of his life this entire time. The mother has not contacted us for visitations. How do I move past this? I’m so disappointed, but I love my husband dearly. Is the right thing to do to bring the child into our lives? My husband says it’s up to me.

– He has a child

I don’t think you can move past this until you bring the child into your life – or at least talk about the possibility. Do you understand why your husband wants to avoid getting to know his kid? If he maintains these boundaries and limits the relationship to a monthly check, how will he feel as the child gets older? You need to have an honest conversation about all of the ways this might work with the child in your lives. The way to move beyond this might be to accept – and embrace – your reality.

For the record, it might be best to answer these questions in couples therapy, where an expert can help you adjust to your circumstances. This kid was a huge shock to both of you, and brought up a lot of questions about how much you really know about each other. You also seem to need help navigating issues regarding money. These are not easy topics to cover on your own.

He’s told you that his future with his child is up to you, but it makes more sense to make decisions as a team. Don’t wait any longer; after two years of uncertainty, it’s time to get the answers and guidance you need.

– Meredith

Readers? Should this be the letter writer’s decision?

Family 🖤 Marriage