Trying to get excited about an alternative to marriage

Wednesday | February 28, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Trying to get excited about an alternative to marriage

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I love my partner. We’ve been together two and a half years. (I am a woman, he is a man; we’re both 30, give or take). We live together, we have a joint bank account (and personal bank accounts), our families spent last Christmas together at our house, and we talk about what names we like for our future children. We have fun together every day. It’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever been in.

We have discussed the issues I take with the institution of marriage (listening to the podcast episode with Jia Tolentino I found myself nodding like a bobblehead doll on the dashboard of a truck driving down a dirt road), and though my partner is down for the full wedding package, he has graciously agreed that we will have a big party with our friends and family, have rings, but no formal ceremony and certainly no paper signing. But I’m not excited and haven’t taken next steps.

I’m dreading telling people and pretending to be excited. It’s like I want to counteract the wedding hysteria. Why was no one that excited for me a few weeks ago when I landed an amazing new job? I’m excited for the actual wedding party – that will be fun. But the engagement, I feel like I want to keep that private; it feels too intimate and special to be boasting about.

Why do you think I’m stalling? Or better, how can I overcome my reluctance? P.S., 1. I come from a loooooong line of divorcees and multi-divorcees. 2. Fun fact: People can stay with someone for their whole life and never marry them, and people can marry and then split up a week later. 3. I have seen too many divorces to be naïve enough to believe that we will be together forever. We might. We might not. 4. I don’t believe people should stay in relationships that don’t make them happy, and I wish there was less shame around divorce and separation. Are you going to send me to a psychologist? Fair.

– Yours truly, Limbo Lady.

First, some context. For those who don’t know, this letter writer is referencing a Love Letters podcast episode where New Yorker writer Jia Tolentino talked about why she didn’t want to marry her longtime partner, whom she loved very much. She preferred the idea of being coupled without the paperwork. She spoke eloquently about it in the interview, and I very much appreciated it – because I am someone who likes love and weddings, but has never wanted to be married … for similar reasons.

That episode came out in March of 2020. Then, in 2021, I saw Tolentino announce that she got married – for health insurance reasons. It was a happy event (based on the Instagram photo I saw), but she still resented that she had to make a choice because of a system that doesn’t match her values.

Sometimes we wind up taking part in a ritual we don’t like, and we do our best to make it our own.

In your case, I wonder if a wedding-ish party is the right move. What if you turned it into a house warming party? An anniversary party? What if there were no wedding rituals attached to the event? Not even rings. I love the idea of a “we’ve been together for five years party,” when you hit that point. Then there will be even more to celebrate then. Perhaps this compromise isn’t quite it.

It is frustrating that it feels like people care about weddings more than jobs (or other parts of life), but … that’s not true of everyone. If I woke up tomorrow engaged and pregnant (lol), 70 percent of my friends would still ask, “Soooo, are you writing another book?” I’m in a community that cares about work a lot. Some of my friends prefer to hear about travel. Or kids.

I think it’s very cool you got a new job. If you want others to know it’s important to you, call them and tell them how excited you are about it. Ask to have a dinner to celebrate. Sometimes people need to be told when something is a big deal.

Last thing: you can’t control how others feel or how they react to things. If you’re comfortable with your choices, that’s great. If your partner understands, that’s wonderful. Do not expect anyone else to share your values or validate your choices in the exact right way. As long as they support you, it kind of doesn’t matter if they get it.

Also, sure, go to a psychologist if you want, I guess. That wasn’t my instinct with advice here, but therapy is nice.

– Meredith

Readers? Should this letter writer have a wedding? Even an almost wedding? Why not wait and celebrate in another way?

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Featured Comment

“Please don’t invite me to a fake wedding and expect me to be happy, take time off from work, dress up and give you money to take a fake honeymoon. You should concentrate on the fact that marriage is about legalities and not just a public/romantic show. Laws that protect both parties (and future children) in all aspects. If you don’t want legalities, (no one cares !!!!!), but a ridiculous party is even more lame. As for couples marrying for ‘health insurance’ or other perks….why should businesses and the general public foot the bills for anyone’s anemic romantic history ? It’s like car insurance, you are hedging a bet about a possible future accident and have to decide if it’s worth it to pay for only liability or ………liability and the ever expensive collision insurance.”

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