Thoughts on changing sex drives

Friday | September 27, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Thoughts on changing sex drives

I received a lot of emailed feedback about this recent letter about sex after menopause. More than usual.

Some people had medical advice for the letter writer. But a few messages objected to the idea that we have to maintain our sex drives – or fix them – to preserve our long relationships.

I want to share two responses today for some discussion – because we’ve had a bunch of letters about evolving sex drives in general, lately.

Response 1: I read your column often but have never written to you until today. I’m so sorry for the otherwise happily married, loving couple who are having problems with sex in their middle years. The writer’s wife is going through menopause and all that entails. From my perspective at age 80, I can say with some certainty that a visit to a gynecologist can alleviate a lot of that. And while the writer is still a vital guy in his 50s, sooner or later he may find himself needing Viagra to help things along! Go for it!

When my husband and I were married [in our 20s], we could hardly keep our hands off each other. Decades of having and raising kids, job responsibilities, and just the normal wear and tear of life slowed things down a bit. But we never stopped loving one another and facing life’s twists and turns with a sense of humor. With the help of modern medicine and many laughs at our aging selves, we managed to have a very loving and wonderful marriage with good sex through our 60s and 70s, once the kids were out of the nest and jobs weren’t all consuming.

I lost my wonderful husband last year. And my big bed sure seems empty now that he’s no longer in it!

My advice to this couple is to try to rejuvenate their sex life in a happy and loving way, with a sense of humor, realizing that they’re not honeymooners any longer. Everything about life changes as we age, including our love life. But that doesn’t have to mean that it gets worse, only different. If counseling is warranted, go for it. We never needed it. We worked it out on our own. If the love is still there, a sense of humor about the changes life brings us should be enough to get them through! Older love is no longer mad and passionate, but it sure can be beautiful!

– Beautiful

Response 2: Dear Meredith

Not for the first time, I read in today’s letters about someone whose wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Inevitably the advice is that the woman should agree to either visit a doctor or engage in therapy.

Why is it that it is “healthy” and “normal” to want to be sexually active, but dysfunctional to just not want to have sex? I know many women who aren’t interested in sex and it’s simply a lifestyle choice. I am one of those women. I have been married [for a long time]. I am no longer interested in having sex (although my husband is). I am physically and emotionally healthy, and intelligent enough to make a lifestyle choice that doesn’t include having sex.

It’s purely a lifestyle preference, not a disability that needs to be addressed. And trust me, I am not the only woman who feels this way. And, yes, if it’s important to my husband, I can understand and he is free to do what he wants. I can live with that, knowing our relationship will continue to be as good as it has been for [decades].

Bottom line….it’s healthy and normal to want to be sexually active, and also healthy and normal to not want to be sexually active. Lifestyle preferences rule.

– One happy wife

I want to speak to the second note here.

I agree with this point. It’s OK to not want to have sex – of course.

But there seems to be a big difference between the marriage in this second note and the one in the letter from the other day.

One Happy Wife’s letter makes it clear she’s in a marriage that can be open. There’s an understanding that if someone isn’t getting what they want, they can go elsewhere – with consent.

In the case of the letter from earlier in the month, the letter writer has not asked to open the relationship, nor has the spouse suggested that they should.

The issue, to me, is communication – or lack thereof. I think that’s what we owe each other – a willingness to talk about all of it.

But I wanted to throw this out to the group, to get a sense of these two responses and how they sit with you. I wonder about the second response, and whether you believe we are too quick to suggest medical help when a person might not want it.

I also wonder if people can share how they’ve talked about a change in sex drive after many years, kids, health changes, etc. I think it can be scary to discuss, and I’d love some tips for the audience.

– Meredith

I’d love to read your question. What’s on your mind about being single? Dating? Breaking up? Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Sex 🖤 Health 🖤 Marriage