Struggling After 40 Years Of Marriage

Tuesday | October 3, 2017

Love Letters Marriage

Struggling After 40 Years Of Marriage

Dear Meredith,

I am an older woman who has been married 40-plus years. Not long after our first child was born (we have two), my husband started having inappropriate relationships with other women he met at work. Some were not-so-secret affairs.

After more than 25 years of marriage, he left me for about a year for one of those women, and called her “the love of his life.” He lied to everyone about it, including our marriage counselor. No one really knew he had left me.

It didn’t work out with that woman, and now he says he hates her. But I’ve caught him looking up her horoscope, probably to see if there’s any hope for them. He also has a crush on a woman who is now one of his clients, and I know he has a secret Facebook page he uses to follow her.

I stick around for two reasons: 1. He says the online activity means nothing, and that he just looks things up for entertainment. 2. I don’t want my adult children to know what a terrible husband he has been.

I guess my question is: What can I do to come to terms with my husband’s behavior?

– What now?

You mention that you went to counseling as a couple, but I hope you’re now in therapy on your own. Coming to terms with a complicated marriage can be a long process, one made easier (and more efficient) with the help of a professional. Plus, it would be nice to know that you can be 100 percent honest with at least one person in your life.

You say you need to come to terms with your husband’s behavior, but after 40 years, it’s possible you have. You know he’s going to have crushes on other women, and that at the very least, his fantasy life (which he can now play out online) will take up a lot of his time.

But it sounds like you haven’t come to terms with what it means to stay. Pretending you’re content when you’re not can be a lonely experience. The thing to talk about – in therapy – is how you can build your own happy and honest life in the context of of this partnership.

If you stick around for this marriage, you need great friends and your own interests. You need to be the center of your own attention.

Think about how you can build a fuller life for yourself. Know that you can.

– Meredith

Readers? How can she make this situation better?

Cheating Marriage

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Don’t you think your children would want you to be happy? Are you afraid of being alone? If so you need to know that there are things far worse than being alone and your marriage is one of them.

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