Should I pretend to love my husband?

Wednesday | April 3, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Should I pretend to love my husband?

What’s been on your mind about dating, not dating, apps, breakups, or friendships? Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

As for today … at least this man brushes his teeth (as far as I know!).

I’m dreading the rest of my life with my husband. We’ve been married for decades, and have three grown kids who are on their way toward independence. For so long our lives have revolved around the family, and now that it’s just the two of us, I can’t stand it. He appears to be excited for this phase of our life and I can’t muster any enthusiasm.

He’s a fine guy and a good provider, but he took a pretty traditional, passive role in raising the kids, which did nothing to foster my love for him over the decades. I am pretty sure I no longer love him – and I can’t say I really even like him. We’ve done counseling before, but it didn’t take. I’m starting therapy to see if it’s me.

But what if it’s not? What do I do? Stay with the status quo and stuff my real feelings down? Pretend to love him? Leave him and deal with the earthquake that will destroy the life we’ve built? I feel like the lyrics to “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” are my life story.

– Dreading

Do the therapy. Figure out how you feel and why. Do more couples counseling, if you can, and find out what your husband is so excited about.

Does he understand what you did to keep the house going? Is he thrilled for you now – because having grownup kids means less work? Is he grateful?

Maybe not. But perhaps there’s something to learn from another round of talks with a professional.

If, after some therapy, the rest of your life feels like obligation … and you’re really singing a Meatloaf song as you consider what’s left … change the soundtrack. Leave.

Honestly, life is too short to go through the motions for years. All relationships take work, but they shouldn’t require constant performance. Please don’t make this a fake-it-till-you-make it situation. It’s not good for him either.

Tell him you’re unhappy. Say you need time to deal with all of this. Respect whatever reaction he has; he might need his own space after hearing that you want more counseling.

Also talk about how you could pull off leaving the house for a bit to get a better perspective on what you have. Sometimes you have to go away to figure out how you’d like to come home. Or it could be a step toward divorce – figuring out a new way to co-parent and stay close, without being a couple.

I know you’re worried about the earthquake, but you can’t stop it. It’s already here.

– Meredith

Has anyone been in this position and come back from it? Younger readers, do you know “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” … or are you confused? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Marriage Divorce

Featured Comment

“You worry about destroying the life you have built and yet you dread the rest of your life with him. What have you built that’s worth preserving, exactly? Because I don’t see it in the letter. If the fear is that the disruption of divorce will bring discomfort and tension, I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to stay with someone. He’s excited for this new phase, but I doubt he’d be excited if he actually knew how you felt. If you go through therapy and do find that you have simply fallen out of love and there’s no coming back from it, it would be cruel to force him into unwittingly living a lie just so that you can avoid the discomfort that comes with divorce.”

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