Should I connect with my ex on Facebook
As I mentioned last week, we’re doing a Love Letters night after “Romeo & Juliet” at the American Repertory Theater on Sept. 26. Now we’re giving away a pair of tickets. There will be a post-show conversation that night about young love and why it matters so much … and how love/dating changes as we get older.
Enter to win free tickets here – at this link – and by taking that survey I mentioned that week.
Also, if you want to get in for sure and just buy tickets, use the code “loveletters” for the Sept. 26 performance and you’ll get a discount.
Also, here’s that survey if you want to take it but have no interest in Romeo at all.
Q.
I recently noticed that my first romantic partner has a presence on Facebook. We had an intense six-year relationship (including cohabitating for eight months) that lasted until my mid-20s.
I’ve been happily married to a kind, loving woman for almost 40 years and do not want to introduce drama or anguish in our relationship, but I have an unusually persistent but disconcerting desire to contact my former lover. Should I proceed … or not?
I fear the consequences if I do reconnect with her, but would be clear that my interest is only platonic. It’s been 50 years since we’ve spoken.
– Fifty Years
A.
Your stress about the question is what makes me worry about you pursuing this.
Really, it doesn’t sound like a big deal. It’s not like you left this woman at the altar and have regretted your decision for five decades. It’s not like you’re looking to rekindle things (right?). You just want to say, “Hey, I see you! And look at us – we’re in our 70s! I hope you’re well!” At least I assume that’s the spirit of the message.
That’s why I wonder: why so much angst? Would you be upset if your spouse did something similar? Would you be ashamed if she found out? If this decision is fraught, examine why – and then deal with it.
Maybe you’re worried because you’d want to keep this a secret from your wife, even if your intentions are platonic. I’ll remind you that people are allowed to have private lives. We just dealt with this issue – when a letter writer was upset about their partner keeping pictures of exes. Most of us said, “No big deal! They’re memories!” As people get older, they might want to review more. To look back. You don’t need to bring you wife along for that ride.
If you do send a note to your ex, remember that 1) she might not be a very active Facebook user, so don’t freak out if you don’t see a response; 2) it might take her longer to see the message if you’re not connected on the platform; 3) you should make your intentions clear in the first few sentences (mention that you’re married, that you just felt compelled to say hello, etc.); and 4) if you trade more than a message or two, check in with yourself about what happens next, if anything.
– Meredith
Readers? If the LW is stressed about this, is it worth doing? Is this a big deal? Have you heard from exes on social media?
I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
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