Should I be more excited about this proposal?

Thursday | January 22, 2026

Love Letters Marriage

Should I be more excited about this proposal?

Relationships can be confusing. What’s on your mind about your own connections? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

I’m looking for some guidance as I navigate a situation that’s left me feeling confused.

I’m 40 and my girlfriend is a few years younger. We’ve been dating for about a year and recently moved in together. Overall, our relationship is strong and healthy. We communicate well, we’re aligned on our life goals, and we both want a family. By all practical measures, everything seems to be moving in the right direction.

Recently I started talking to my family about proposing to her five or six months from now. What surprised me was my emotional reaction. Instead of feeling excited or joyful, I felt a sense of worry and unease. It wasn’t panic exactly, but it also wasn’t happiness. When I tried to understand where that feeling was coming from, I couldn’t pinpoint a clear reason. When I asked my family for input or perspective, the response was mostly, “Do what you want, I guess,” which left me feeling even more alone in sorting this out.

I care deeply about her and our future, which makes me wonder whether these feelings stem from my stage in life, a fear of change or responsibility, or a sign that I should slow down and reflect more before taking the next step.

How do I distinguish between natural apprehension and a deeper hesitation that shouldn’t be ignored? And how much excitement is “enough” when making a decision as big as marriage?

Any perspective would be greatly appreciated. I care deeply about my girlfriend and truly see a future with her, and that’s exactly why this unexpected lack of excitement has caused me to pause and reflect.

– Reflecting

My first thought: talk to a therapist. Not because anything sounds wrong or troubling, but because you seem to need a place where you can process feelings. You’re about to make major life changes. Why not chat with a professional about them?

My second thought: you’re 40 and on a schedule. You know what you want, but maybe the success/efficiency of this relationship makes the engagement part seem less romantic. I do hope you can take a beat to enjoy what you have. If every step in your time together has felt like a way to get to kids by 42, please take a month to just … have dates and enjoy living together.

Another point to consider, when it comes to excitement: many of us grew up watching TV shows about people who have big, emotional engagements. I held my heart when I watched Jim propose to Pam on “The Office.” (Didn’t that happen at a gas station?)

That fictional proposal seemed epic because those characters had to sort out major conflicts for many seasons before any of us got to see them happy.

You’re not a TV character. You’re a real person who knows you want to marry your significant other. It’s not dramatic at all, but that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.

Maybe this weird, uncomfortable feeling is about your family. Perhaps it felt anticlimactic to tell them. “Do what you want, I guess” isn’t the most loving and supportive sentiment. Just something to consider.

Please know that there will be a bunch of moments during this process that have you asking, “That was it? Do I feel ambivalence? Was that a big deal?”

Hopefully there will also be a zillion other moments where you think, “No one told me it would be this good. What a lovely surprise.”

– Meredith

Readers? How excited should a person be about getting engaged? If you’re 40 and on a schedule, does it feel as big? Is the timeline (a year) part of the issue?Any red flags to consider in this letter?

Tell me about friendships, breakups, dating, or awkward situations. Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

What “society” tells you you should be feeling really doesn’t matter – do you love her, do you want a life partner, do you want to raise kids with her? Those are questions only you can answer. Stop comparing yourself to “norms.”

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