Dear Meredith,

I think I need some serious help. My wife and I are both in our late 40s and have been married for over 20 years. Shortly after our first daughter was born I discovered that my wife had an affair with another man during our engagement and for a short time after were married. While I don’t have definitive proof, I am almost 100 percent certain of this. At the time I chose not to confront my wife because my daughter was a newborn and I didn’t think my pride would allow me to stay with her. To leave her and have another man raise my daughter in my place was unacceptable to me. So I told myself that since I didn’t know anything for sure, I could stay in the marriage, keep my daughter, move on and compartmentalize.

As a result, I have sort of kept my wife at arm’s length throughout our marriage. I never let her completely into my life and have harbored resentment toward her. I thought that as time went by I could forget about it and be happy in my marriage knowing that she really does love me and that it was a one-time thing and would never happen again. I thought that as the days passed I would think about it less and less. In fact the opposite has been true. I think about it more and more.

At this point it’s something that I think about every single day. Our daughter is almost completely grown up and doesn’t need me the way she did when she was a child. As the years have passed I have completely lost all attraction for my wife. I care about her and feel genuine affection for her but not attraction. Every day I find myself thinking about what my life would have been like if I never married her or left her all those years ago.

Before you ask, NO, there is no one else. I have never been unfaithful to my wife and there is no one that I am talking to or interested in, however, the thought of breaking loose and finding someone else is tempting. I know that this needs to be resolved in some way, but is it really fair to confront her with this all these years later? Is it fair to turn her life upside down for something she did decades ago? Once again, I don’t think my pride would allow me to stay with her if what I think I know turns out to be true. Is it possible to turn this ship around or is it over? Is there any way to become attracted to someone again after you have lost feelings for them?

– Scared and Confused