She watches TV during intimate moments

Tuesday | September 24, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

She watches TV during intimate moments

I am a 50-something male married for over 30 years to the same woman. To be clear, I love her more than my life, and I sincerely believe she loves me. We were never able to have children. I believe because of the cancer she survived before I knew her. We had a decent sex life early on, but it petered out with complaints of pain on her part. Now, at her age (she is over five years older than me), she wants no part of intercourse, specifically.

To be clear, we are still each other’s best friend. She still attempts to be intimate with me in other ways, but will be watching a muted television show while she does so. If I never attempted to please her, she has said she wouldn’t care – but I care. And the kicker is, she loves it when I do it for her, but getting her to agree is a chore.

I came very close to having an affair recently. Part of it was just the lure of having sex with someone else who also really wanted it. Maybe that was most of it. I stopped and opted not to pursue it.

I don’t know why I went as far as I did. I did not, and will not tell her. But as I know you know, sex is one (of many) ways people (certainly I) feel intimate. I have emotional intimacy, but not sexual, which seems to therefore lessen the emotional. Confusing, yes?

I know you will ultimately recommend therapy. To be clear, I cannot ever see my wife going to therapy.

And so, I am trapped. I get all the sexual release I want, but feel no connection during it. I wish this sounded less like a sex complaint because it is, but this is the best I can articulate it.

– Me

Of course I’m going to recommend therapy.

I’ll also say that your wife might be open to going to therapy with you – if it’s for you. Sometimes people who bristle at the idea of therapy are more likely to show up if they feel like a helper, as opposed to the patient.

Also, therapy aside, I hope she’s speaking with a doctor. Hormones are complicated and change our bodies. We need guidance with that process – and sometimes we have to ask to see a specialist. It doesn’t have to be about correcting a problem; it’s more about making sure she has what she needs as her body evolves.

I’ll also say that you can absolutely tell her how lonely you are. It’s not fun to be intimate with someone while they’re basically … doing Wordle. Or making a to-do list in their mind. Maybe watching unrelated television … on mute.

You want connection. Ask her how she thinks you can find it together.

Make it clear this is important – that you’ve hit a wall. It’s OK to say that for the first time ever, despite all of the good stuff, it has felt like the relationship is at risk. That might change the conversation.

– Meredith

Readers? Is there any way to say a relationship is at risk without it sounding like a threat? How have you had similar conversations? Any advice for new ways to deal with this problem … especially if the LW’s wife isn’t open to change?

Send your own question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Sex 🖤 Cheating Marriage

Featured Comment

It sounds like you haven’t really told her how isolated you feel within the marriage. If communication is not a strength here, and it sounds like it isn’t, a professional can help this conversation happen and move you both forward. That and also a physical exam for her to determine the cause of her pain, and if any relief is possible.

wizen

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