She wanted marriage, not counseling

Friday | March 22, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

She wanted marriage, not counseling

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I was with a woman for a long time but had yet to propose. She would have said yes.

I told her I wasn’t sure about marriage, but wanted a longer-term committed relationship. I wanted to go to counseling talk about our issues before marriage. Because why marry if the relationship is suffering?

I signed us up for counseling – and then she asked me to remove her name. I wanted us to go through this journey together – in counseling and in life. In counseling, you heal and grow together. I didn’t want to grow apart because of my decision to seek help.

The confusing part is that she cut off all communication months ago, but said, in so many words, “You know where to find me.” Does that mean she’d still be interested in our relationship in the future? Is she still considering it?

– Seeking Help

My take on what she means: “I will not wait any longer for a marriage proposal. I am unwilling to go to counseling. Find me if you decide to skip the therapy and ask me to marry you.”

Basically, it’s her way or nothing.

Here’s want I don’t know – because you didn’t tell us:

How your relationship was suffering. (Fights? Betrayals? Lifestyle differences?)
How long you’ve been together.
Whether she thought your relationship was great, as is.

For all I know, you’ve been together 20 years and have already been through two rounds of therapy. I’m not sure it would matter, but I do wonder what version of the story she’d tell.

Regardless, use the therapy to talk about yourself, the relationship, and what you’ve learned about the kind of partnership you desire. Discuss the loss and how you’ll move on.

Honestly, if this woman refused a call for help to make things better, she’s not who you want right now. Sometimes the “marry me, or else” ultimatum makes it clear that “else” is the right path.

If she reconsiders therapy and working on this, she knows how to find you, too. Allow yourself to move on.

– Meredith

Readers? What’s your interpretation of what she meant when she said, “You know where I’ll be …”? Is saying yes to couples therapy always the right answer? Send your own letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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Featured Comment

“She probably wants to marry you but won’t be doing therapy.

You feel you need therapy because there are problems that aren’t getting resolved.

Don’t marry her. Find someone else.

She just wants to be married and you feel there are issues. There’s no reconciling this unless you give in or she gives in.

There are other and better women out there. I promise. Go find one of them and be happy.”

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