A.
“Depth of connection.”
If we were in a room together, I’d ask you more about that. What does it mean to have a deep connection? Is conflict required? Is it about someone showing you a view of the world you’ve never seen before (through conversation, etc.)?
There’s no right answer here. I’m just curious because it’s so important to feel like a partner really gets you, and that you have a shared sense of humor, vision, and take on the world.
Is all of that stuff missing?
If all you feel on a daily basis is, “great, what a nice guy,” … you might need to make changes.
My advice, shocking no one, is to talk to a counselor about your feelings. Discuss the missing pieces that are difficult to describe in this letter.
Something to consider as you dive into this: husbands aren’t supposed to be everything (and by husbands, I mean partners of all kinds). I’ve been interviewing researchers about the way romantic couples can become isolated. Sometimes they’re a lot lonelier than single people. If you have kids, there’s not a lot of time to connect with other adults.
That puts so much responsibility on one life partner to be: the funny one, the helpful one, the smart one, the best friend, the person who sees you for exactly who you are.
That pressure to be all things turns a spouse into a disappointment pretty quickly.
I don’t know if that’s the issue with Joe. It does sound like you made a bunch of decisions based on the confidence of other people.
Please talk to a therapist about who you are now. Also talk to Joe, when you can explain your thoughts with more clarity. He may have surprising ideas about your marriage.
Sometimes when one person is going through the motions, the other follows their lead. Asking big questions lets your spouse know they’re allowed to do that, too.
– Meredith
Be civil. Be kind.
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