I swear it’s been more than a week since I’ve recommended therapy to a letter writer. That has to be a personal record.

You’re pushing me to break my streak – and I mean that in a very kind way. I’m in therapy. It helps me figure out why I get lost (emotionally). You might benefit from having a neutral place where you can say, to a trained person, “Why am I thinking about this friend all of the time? What does that really mean?”

I can’t tell if your interest in this friend is romantic. Maybe she’s a “big sister” type, but the way you’re reaching out to her – and ignoring her boundaries – makes it seem like she represents something more.

All of this says plenty about the state of your marriage. Did you tell your wife about the lunches when they happened? Did she object to the meals – or was it the frequency of Facebook messages? To what extent did this involve sneaking around?

The phrase “my wife got wind of it” implies a lack of comfort and transparency in the marriage. It might be helpful talk to a professional about how that feels – and how things got this way.

Stop contacting this childhood friend. Then find a trained third party who can help you examine your feelings and behavior. You might come to a place where you realize you want to do some work with your wife – improving how you share and understand each other’s needs.

Spouses don’t have to know everything. But it’s no good if joyful developments must be kept secret. 

– Meredith