My wife has no time for me

Wednesday | June 12, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My wife has no time for me

I’ve been married for 15 years. We have a good marriage and two wonderful children. But as the years have gone by, she has less time for me as she has risen in the ranks of her career.

She comes home late, spends time with our children, and then is usually ready for bed. With the stressful job, she has become less warm and less interested in sex. I honestly don’t remember the last time she told me she thought I was attractive.

We have seen a therapist and I’ve said I need either a little more affection or sex. Her answer is “Do you really want me to text you on occasion to say ‘Hi, and ask how your day is going?” The answer to that is yes.

Our sex life has dropped to once a week, and she says to me “if you want to have sex, now is the time.” It’s completely unfulfilling.

I’ve told her I need more then that, and she doesn’t really have more to give. I mentioned sleeping with other people, and she said “go ahead, just don’t fall in love and don’t get anyone pregnant.”

I work for myself and have the time, but I’m also the primary parent for our kids (I drive them everywhere and take care of them because of my job flexibility). I’m not really sure what to do here. If kids weren’t in the picture, I’d probably be gone. Either that or i’d just start seeing someone else on the side. But I don’t have a ton of free time. I’m not happy, but I also don’t want to miss out on seeing my kids every day. I’m not getting any younger either.

What do people do in these situations? I’ve thought about seeing an escort just so I could have a little more sex, but I don’t know how fulfilling that will be.

– Unfulfilled

You ask what other people do when a romantic marriage turns into a practical partnership.

Sometimes they wait it out and find that things improve later in life. Other times they get divorced – and are thrilled they did.

This is all about what you and your wife really want. You’ve told us what you desire, but what about her? Does she like working this much? (Sounds like it.) Does she wish she had more free time? Maybe if she had more hours in the day, she’d do more with the kids, but not with you.

If I was in a therapist’s office with her, I’d ask what she looks forward to in the marriage. If she had an extra week off – and if the kids were elsewhere – what would she do with the time? That kind of question might get you some real answers about what comes next.

She might be done with the romantic part of the relationship. If that’s the case, this won’t work for you. You want to cuddle, compliment, laugh, flirt, and reciprocate, right?

You could come up with an arrangement where you’re with the kids all day, you work remotely from the house, and then leave (maybe after bedtime some nights) to go to your cool apartment, where you can date, get attention from new people, and focus on yourself. It might feel less lonely to be alone, where you don’t feel rejected or overlooked.

That’s my thought here – that you need to ask more questions about whether your wife is excited to spend time with you when she can. Even in the future. If that’s not on her mind and she’s serious about you finding someone else, talk about new ways to live separately.

Explain that you want everyone to be as happy as possible here. That might mean trying something new.

– Meredith

Readers? Is separating a good option here? What have you done during busy phases of life? Did you lose track of the romance in a partnership? What do you think the LW’s wife would say about this (knowing she doesn’t want him to fall in love with anyone else)?

Send your own question about relationships (dating, divorce, breakups, singleness, and friendships) to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

“LW, do you get any validation from the other critical work you’re doing? Does your wife recognize that? You say you have a ‘good marriage’ so I’m assuming she does. You’ve taken on a lot of roles that ought to be offering new supports to your identity compared to when you were single or early in your relationship when sex and desire can dominate your sense of self-worth. If you’re not appreciated for any of that either then you probably should leave. If it’s just the bedroom, may be worth it to keep talking without whining and give it time.”

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