My wife and I disagree about this one thing

Tuesday | January 23, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My wife and I disagree about this one thing

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Hi Meredith,

My question is akin to asking you to settle a bet. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and life is very good (for context: heterosexual relationship, three kids, house, etc).

But when we go some period of time without having sex, sometimes it’s not good. We’ll get in giant fights, and then she won’t want to have sex (yes, reasonable, I know). After we have sex, she says I’m so much nicer. I think she’s so much nicer.

It’s like a Catch-22; if we go too long without being intimate, we don’t treat each other as well. She says I need to be more independent and not rely on her for sex (not in an affair sort of way, just that I should be able to manage my emotions without it). I think she should relax more and then have more sex rather than push me away. Thoughts?

– Frustrated in the ‘burbs

I’m with your wife on this one (sorry).

I do believe, based on what you’ve told us, that sex improves your relationship, that you both like it a lot, and that having more of it would be fantastic.

But you need to be able to be kind to each other without having sex first. If you can figure out ways to sustain the good feelings no matter what, you might wind up having more sex – and then it’ll be a new and better cycle of happiness, sex, happiness, sex, etc.

Not to be a bummer, but there might be a time when sex isn’t an option for a long stretch. Health stuff – caregiving stuff – can get in the way. You’ll want to be able to be good to each other then. You need to figure out how.

Think of other ways you can feel close to each other. Maybe you can do a puzzle … and then have sex. Or take a nature walk … and then have sex. Perhaps there are a bunch of activities that make you like each other a lot. Add them to your routine.

I hope the bet is settled. I wish you both lots of sex, puzzles, minimal fighting, and many more decades of being able to say “life is very good.”

– Meredith

Readers? Agree? Disagree? Chicken or egg here?

Sex 🖤 Marriage

Featured Comment

“This could be a disagreement on what intimacy is… it is not just sex… it is connection on different levels. Emotional, physical (not just sex), supportive and a feeling of been connected with a person. Maybe you need to take a step back, and keep a good connection in all levels with your wife. It is usually not all or nothing… after so many years of marriage, working on having intimacy is crucial.”

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