A.

This is such a good question for Robin Abrahams, who wrote our Miss Conduct column in the Boston Globe Magazine. (She retired.)

Robin and I could have two different takes on the same problem; she thinks about the way humans work together as part of a society, while I’m focused on maintaining relationships, and who has hurt feelings.

Some Love Letters thoughts, some of which are inspired by my own experience with a relative who was kind, but not at restaurants – especially as he got older. Sometimes he’d whistle at a server and I’d want to curl up in a ball with shame.

Back then, I’d look at the server with a face that said, “I’M SORRRRRRRY.” Then I’d leave a big tip for their service.

That’s one piece of advice. Make your “sorry” face, balance your mother-in-law’s needs with extreme kindness, and show the restaurant that you get it, and appreciate the staff, with money.

Another thought: go at an off hour, so if food is sent back, it’s not a huge deal. The servers will have a bit more time to deal with a small complaint. You won’t be bothering other customers, and the meal will be short. I love a 4:45 p.m. early dinner that makes life easy for everyone.

I went to Yard House in Legacy Place in Dedham earlier this year. At the bar table, they had one of those iPad menus. I touched a bunch of buttons and everything just showed up to the table. I wonder if that kind of place might help – because even if someone complains about the food, the interaction is minimal. Everyone can blame the iPad.

The last answer is to keep things at home as much as you can. Bring great food over. Relax. 

A note I’ll make that’s more Love Letters than Miss Conduct: it sounds like you have some bubbling issues with your brother-in-laws. Am I right? Or maybe your spouse? If it’s about caregiving, or help, or anything bigger than dinner, get it out. Don’t let it fester.

Also remember that whatever baggage you have with your mother-in-law (assuming there’s some) is not known to a restaurant staff. They’re not thinking about your past. You’re new to them, and they’re getting through the night.

– Meredith

Readers? It would be super helpful if people who’ve worked in restaurants can talk about their take on a customer who sends things back, complains, etc. How and when do you have empathy for complicated customers? Also, for the rest of you, do you think this is about dinner or something else?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Friendships, romantic relationships, family? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].