My husband only cares about the lawn and grilling

Friday | July 25, 2025

Love Letters Marriage

My husband only cares about the lawn and grilling

Send your own question, please. Use the anonymous form, or email [email protected].

I love and respect my husband, but I feel like he’s not someone I want to be elderly with!

I know that sounds weird. My own parents are just about 80 and are pretty miserable. They barely tolerate each other. I feel like my husband is going to get more and more boring (and look worse) as the years pass on. He is kind and provides for us, but in almost 17 years I don’t think he has ever surprised me.

He is not a deep thinker, not introspective, and just seems to care about his lawn and grilling. I can not picture being elderly and finding him fulfilling. Am I wishing for unrealistic stimulation and connection?

Is life just increasingly boring and simple the older you get?

Can I hold out any hope that my husband will ever do anything spontaneous or exciting?

– Depressed in Dullsville

“Is life just increasingly boring and simple the older you get?”

Not in my experience.

You seem very stressed out about aging and what it means. It would be so great if you could talk to a professional about that.

It would also be good to talk to your husband about your fear of life in your 80s, how difficult it’s been to watch your parents, and what the experience has told you about your own marriage. Find out how your husband pictures your 80-year-old lives. What about when you’re 60?

Please know: excitement isn’t all about spontaneity and surprises. It can be about two people planning happiness together.

Another thought, this one about the grill and the lawn: these two activities remove a person from the chatter and busyness of a household. I do wonder whether your husband is having a few deep thoughts – or tuning out anxious thoughts – when he does these things. Maybe he’s blank on the inside when he’s mowing, but it’s possible he’s thinking, “This is the moment I don’t have to worry about providing for anyone. This … is peace.” That’s actually quite introspective.

As you talk to him about planning and life, please be honest with yourself (and him) about whether you want to be married. If you’re together for kids, are those kids having a happy experience? If you’re there to be provided for, is that fair? Can you contribute more for your own happiness? If you do love your husband, can you appreciate why?

I just don’t want this man to be with someone who thinks he’s not good enough, and I don’t want you do feel like this is the only way to be.

I wish I knew why you married him to begin with. So many people write in hoping to get back to the love they felt when the relationship started. But from the way you write, it sounds like you’ve been “meh” about your situation from Day 1. If you can get to therapy, talk about that, too.

– Meredith

Readers? Why do you focus on grilling and the lawn? Is it to repress deep thoughts? Also, when you consider your marriage, do you worry about how things will look when you’re much older?

Send your own question, please. Use the anonymous form, or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

If your husband used to do more “spontaneous and exciting things” you could tell him how you miss that and ask him to do those things once in a while. If this is always who he’s been though it’s not realistic to expect him to change into a different person. You can be the one to suggest fun activities you want to do, and as long as he comes along and you have a good time together who cares who planned it. Balance that with friendships and other activities that can provide things your husband doesn’t.

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