We had a question a few months ago from a person whose partner wasn’t going to the doctor. That issue was about anxiety – and how to meet in the middle when it comes to checkups.

Your letter is about hygiene and respect. You don’t want to get into bed with someone who hasn’t brushed their teeth after dinner. (And yes, it is normal to brush your teeth twice a day.) 

You didn’t tell us whether this has always been an issue. If it’s a new problem, consider what else might be going on. Sometimes hygiene goes out the window if someone is dealing with depression or stress. Is he engaging with his community? Are you getting along otherwise? How is work? It might help to ask if he’s happy, in general.

No matter what, you can very honest about what bothers you about his nighttime routine. Yes, this is about his health, self-care, etc. But it would be nice for you to end your day feeling comfortable. If he smells like the Cheesecake Factory takeout you had for dinner (projecting here), it might feel icky to be near him. He can do whatever he wants with his body, but he can respect yours by considering what he brings to bed.

This is about sharing. You’re on the same mattress, I assume.

Keep the brushing conversation separate from the doctor talks. You can tell him that as long as he’s keeping you and your child safe, you’re OK. (If he needs to see an eye doctor to feel safe driving your child, he should, of course.)

The teeth stuff is different, and it’s about your experience in your home. If he’s really opposed to a second brushing, ask to go to counseling. Because if he doubles down on that, it seems like something bigger is going on.

I mean, you’re not even asking him to floss.

– Meredith