Hi Meredith,

I will be 40 later this year and I have been with my husband for more than a decade. We do not have any children (we are a same-sex couple and neither of us wants children).

In general, we have built a very nice life together. We have a nice home, both have good jobs, are close with my family, and have good friends. I do love my husband. My problem is that I am growing increasingly aware that he does not make me happy. It’s possible to love someone even though they don’t make you happy, right? I fantasize ALL THE TIME about being single again and believe that I might be better off without him. I am generally a very happy, optimistic, and upbeat person. He, on the other hand, is always negative and complains about everything all the time. Nothing ever makes him happy.

He is also very bossy and gets super upset if things don’t go exactly the way he wants them to. I have tried to talk to him about this, but I think it’s just the way he is. I am often embarrassed by him. For example, a few weeks ago we were out at dinner with friends and the server brought him the wrong thing. He completely flipped out, cursing at the server. Obviously my friends and I were horrified. I had a talk with him afterward and made it very clear how upset I was about it. He knows the behavior isn’t acceptable, but he just can’t help himself sometimes.

Fast forward to this past weekend, and the two of us went away with friends. The entire weekend he was complaining and bossing me around. I am rather good at ignoring it and brushing it off, but my friends were horrified. In one moment my friend whispered to me, “I don’t know how you put up with it all the time.” So why do I put up with it? I don’t know.

This is something that has been on my mind for several years. I think I may be reaching the breaking point where I decide I no longer want to put up with it and walk away from the relationship, even though part of me does love him. I have not talked with any of my friends about my feelings. But I know if I do, they would be supportive and help me. What should I do? Seek marriage counseling? Or maybe it would be better to seek counseling on my own to help sort through my feelings? I am scared of what a breakup might look like, or if it’s the right thing to do.

– Unhappy