My husband is following his ex's vlog

Tuesday | April 16, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My husband is following his ex’s vlog

Ask your own dating/relationship/single question. Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

I have been married for eight years and have three children. Recently, I have encountered difficulties in my relationship with my husband. Despite our commitment to each other, he seems to be fixated on his past connection with a woman he once dated, but with whom he never had a serious relationship.

Although this woman is now married and has lived far way with her family for 20 years, my husband has begun watching her vlogs and frequently mentions her in a way that is distressing to me. He often expresses sentiments suggesting he still harbors feelings for her or imagines a life with her. Despite my attempts to communicate my discomfort and set boundaries, my husband becomes defensive and continues to entertain thoughts of reconnecting with this woman. He has even expressed a desire to reach out to her to seek closure or answers to his unresolved questions.

I am reaching out to you for guidance on how to navigate this situation. I understand the importance of open communication and mutual respect in a relationship, but I am struggling to cope with my husband’s fixation on his past. I would appreciate any advice or resources you can provide to help us address these issues and strengthen our relationship. I don’t feel happy anymore as I was before. I need help.

– Unhappy

The videos are not helping (obviously). It’s easy to watch someone’s vlog and feel like they’re talking to you.

This interest seems to be very much one-sided, of course. Most likely, if he reached out, she wouldn’t have much to say to him.

It doesn’t matter, though. His growing interest in this ex suggests there’s work to do on the marriage. Good for him for being so transparent, I guess, but what’s his plan for making this better? Or making a change?

It’s time to seek therapy together to decide what happens next. If he wants to pursue a connection with this woman, you can’t stop him. But can he do that elsewhere?

Is there a place he can stay? Because you don’t have to be a witness to whatever he’s attempting. That’s a real boundary.

In therapy, you can come up with a plan for space … and maybe he’d say more about what led him to this woman’s content. You can also figure out whether he’s being honest about his hopes. You’ve decided he wants a life with her, but that might not be the case.

I can’t promise that talking to a mental health professional will strengthen the relationship, but it might provide clarity. It also might strengthen you, which is the priority. You can see a therapist on your own, too.

You feel disrespected and ignored in your home. The next move is to talk about it and figure out how to make a change. Soon.

– Meredith

Readers? I’m quick to say, “Get this out of the house,” but are there other options? Is it best to encourage a partner to get the information they need so you can take next steps? Should the LW’s husband have kept this journey to himself? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Cheating I reached out to my ex Marriage

Featured Comment

“Stop basing your happiness on your husband’s behavior. If this guy is in a mid-life crisis, it can be a very long time until he comes out of it. In the meantime, focus on your children and yourself and do what makes all of you happy, hopeful, and forward looking which will be valuable whether your marriage dissolves or not.”

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