Dear Meredith,

My husband and I will celebrate our 10-year anniversary this year. We have two young kids, live a comfortable lifestyle, and we get along really well most of the time. The issue that continues to cause problems in our sex life is that my husband has always been very critical of my physical appearance.

When we first met, I was 21 and he was 31, and he was ruthless about comparing me and my body to his exes. He’d pick apart everything from my coloring, my body type, breast size, and other physical features. We broke up numerous times because it was fairly clear he was not very physically attracted to me. I was young and insecure, so I tried to diet down to his preference (very thin) and even considered getting breast implants to make him see me as worthy – which never happened because I couldn’t afford it. When I’d talk to him about how his words hurt, he’d often play it off as a joke, or that he was just being honest, or that I was the problem for being too sensitive.

I find myself, now years later, struggling to deal with the pressure to stay slim enough for his liking (which, despite wearing a size 4, is never quite slim enough), and I constantly am looking at getting plastic surgery. He doesn’t necessarily openly put me down anymore, but he rarely ever says anything nice either. I can be completely dolled up and the most he’ll say is “you look nice.” I want to have an active sex life with my husband, but it’s hard to be attracted to someone who more often than not makes me feel ugly and undesirable, and I find that so sad. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my younger self and shake her for thinking that I could eventually get over it. Do I need to do more work on myself to improve my own confidence? Is there anything I can do to erase these awful put downs and comparisons from my memory – or at least care about them less? Thank you.

– Size 4 and Sad