My Fiancé Notices Men

Wednesday | July 22, 2015

Love Letters Marriage

My Fiancé Notices Men

Dear Meredith,

I’m engaged to a wonderful man (no wedding date yet). Let’s call him Joe. I love him with all my heart and want to grow old with him. He has a great job, great personality, is very intelligent, and we live happily together. What’s the problem you ask? Whenever we watch TV, movies, or talk about people in general, he is quick to point out “what a great looking guy” some guys are. That makes me uncomfortable and puts doubts in my mind, but I have never told him or asked him about this. He also dances in a way that’s feminine. What am I supposed to ask? Are you gay? Are you bisexual? Are you attracted to men?

Joe is very masculine in every other aspect. We have a great and very active sex life, and we tell each other how much we love each other and how attracted we are to each other on a daily basis. We have a wonderful life together, but this is really bothering me lately. How can I initiate this conversation without insulting him? Like I said, I love Joe very much, but if he is gay it would be devastating because I want to have a family with him, but above all, I want him to be happy and live his life to the fullest. He could be bisexual and attracted to men, but if that’s the case, I don’t think I could stay with him. Why am I OK with knowing that he is attracted to other women but absolutely terrified to find out whether he is attracted to other men? Is this jealousy? Am I reading too much into his comments? Your advice and your readers’ advice would be appreciated.

– At a loss for questions

The “great looking guy” comments make you think that your fiancé might be lying to you about his sexuality? Really?

If I am to jump to any conclusion (and for the record, I’d rather not), I’d guess that his appreciation of other men is about self-esteem and desire for self-improvement. Maybe he’s noticing things about these men that he wishes he could say about himself.

Based on what you’ve told us, there’s no reason to believe he’s hiding his desires. If anything, I have to wonder why you’re so concerned about what’s masculine and feminine (based on your own definition of those words). Do you think he’s making a similar list about you and your dancing skills?

My point is, this is about you, not him. You’re using words like “terrified” to describe your fiancé, a guy who loves you and apparently tells you how attracted he is to you on a daily basis (that’s a lot of validation).

If you have questions about your partner, it’s better to ask than make assumptions. And if you find that you’re plagued with fears about all that could go wrong in your marriage, get to a therapist and figure out why.

Readers? Should she talk to him about her concerns?

– Meredith

Marriage