My ex sent me a card

Tuesday | January 16, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My ex sent me a card

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I am a woman in a happy 30-year marriage, but something has happened that is creating turmoil in my heart. Out of the blue, I received a card and photo from a man I was madly in love with prior to meeting my spouse. I met and fell in love with that man over 40 years ago when we were both in our 20s. He cared about me too, but the relationship fell apart (which caused me a lot of pain) because his parents disapproved of me. They wanted him to marry someone of the same ethnic and social background, and I was not.

Eventually he married someone I presume his parents approved of, but that marriage is no more (the card I received makes it clear). I don’t know if he’s divorced or if his wife died, and I don’t want to press him for details. He has college-age children. I am certain he reached out to me because he feels bad about what happened between us and wants me to know he is single.

Receiving his card has destroyed my peace of mind. I cried more than once. It made me realize I still care about him. We live on separate continents. Am I crazy fantasizing about seeing him? Not having an affair, but just seeing him. Or am I kidding myself? Is friendship possible in such a situation?

Can a woman love her husband and feel love for an old lover too?

– Pushed into loving him again

Of course you still care about him. He was a great love!

But 40 years later, these intense feelings are about something else. Maybe nostalgia, gratitude, or a need for excitement. Perhaps all of the above.

I think many of us can love a current partner, care about people from our past, fantasize about what could have been, get sad about what we missed, and come right back to the couch where we eat our popcorn and live our best lives.

You can love this man – or the idea of him – forever. But it’s not what you feel for your husband of 30 years – the guy who built a life with you. You understand that, right?

The more complicated question is about seeing this old love, or even reaching out. There’s a version of this where you connect on Zoom or FaceTime, just to get a better sense of how much things have changed. You could honor the time you had together with a conversation about what it meant and where you are now.

If he’d written a note saying, “Hey, what’s up?,” that might be a good option.

But it sounds like his card was epic. Emotional. Or it made you feel epic and emotional. That’s not the kind of content that leads to a low-stakes chat.

That’s why I think you should let this go or send a simple note back explaining that you’ve built a wonderful life, you hope he’s well, and that you’ll always root for him to be happy. Leave it at that.

Give yourself time to get over the card shock. It might take a bit.

– Meredith

Readers? Respond to card? Leave it alone? Why have these “I think about my ex from decades ago” letters been so intense lately, and … is just me, or are they more common in the column now? Is everybody going through it?

I reached out to my ex Marriage

Featured Comment

“As someone who recently met up with an ex like this, I understand the big feelings. However, you’re not that young girl from 30 years ago anymore, so take a few deep breaths, have a ceremonial burning-of-the-card, and refocus on your life in the present and your 30-year marriage. Keep the past in the past. Wish him well in your heart, be done, and keep moving forward.”

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