My daughter is having an affair

Thursday | February 15, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

My daughter is having an affair

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I have been (mostly) estranged from my adult daughter for several years since her (ongoing) extra marital affair became public knowledge in our family.

Everyone knows about it (including her husband and teenage children). It doesn’t sit right with me and I can’t pretend to “make nice” as if everything is fine – because it isn’t.

As a result, I hardly ever see my grandchildren and this saddens me. Am I overthinking my daughter’s continuing bad behavior?

– Doleful Dad

Seems like a good time to be there for everyone.

I understand why you’re disappointed, but sometimes we show up for loved ones, even when we don’t understand their choices.

You say you don’t want to pretend everything’s fine – so don’t. There’s middle ground between performing happiness and using every moment to show judgement. You can be present, do activities, talk about life, see your grandkids, and give yourself breaks when you get overwhelmed.

If the affair comes up in conversation, you can ask, “Is everyone OK and healthy about all of this?” That’s what you’re worried about, right?

Please remember that you don’t know everything about the marriage. I assume you don’t know why the spouse is sticking around, or if there are plans for next steps. You don’t know what led them to this place.

This is about being there as the story unfolds, in whatever way you can. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but that’s life sometimes.

– Meredith

Readers? Have you had to be present for a marriage when you know one person is betraying the other? How do let yourself love someone when you don’t love their relationship choices?

Family 🖤 Cheating Marriage

Featured Comment

“Dear LW,
Such an emotionally charged situation, I feel for you. It sounds like you really miss your grandchildren and feel very sad. Making a change is going to require a lot of effort but wanting your grandchildren back in your life is a powerful motivator. A therapist can help you gain insight/tools for navigating a situation like this. I think you’ll be surprised at the clarity you can gain with just a few sessions.

Once you understand how you want to approach it (either with help or on your own), then obviously you’re going to need to share your feelings with your daughter. You don’t mention how old your grandchildren are but I assume they’re school age. That means you can’t go around your daughter to reestablish contact with them. I would frame it to her as wanting a relationship strictly with them. The tricky part to navigate (and why I recommend a therapist to help) is that she’s going to have to trust you to maintain clearly stated boundaries with her children. You’re going to need to convince her that you can treat your relationship with them as completely separate from your relationship with her. You’ll need to adhere to your boundaries 100% of the time-no discussions about their mother. All of this will all be very tough to do, but certainly not impossible. It could take take time for your daughter to agree to it, if she does at all, but IMO it’s truly worth it to fight for them. You should try for your sake as well as theirs.”

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