Hi Meredith,

I’d love advice from you and your readers. I feel stuck in my marriage. I’m in my mid-40s, married for many years, with a teenager. How hard is marriage supposed to be?

I have been torn for years, if not most of the marriage, between working on the marriage and feeling like I’m married to a narcissist and there is nothing to be done to improve the marriage. I go to therapy and I read and listen to books about improving a marriage. On the other hand, I hit a wall after trying many things. I read about how to manage life with a narcissist – because you can’t improve a relationship with one.

For years I’ve felt I either save myself or my marriage, but it can’t be both. I do worry about the impact on our child of us bickering, but I usually try to let many things go so it’s not a fight. I do that as much as I can, but a person can only take so much being put down and gaslit. I feel like I live two lives, where on one hand I am grateful for my life and appear happy, and on the other hand I hate my marriage and cry in secret almost daily.

I’ve considered other things that can be contributing to being so unhappy in the marriage, as well as questioning if it’s mental health issues. I truly believe it’s the marriage. I love my job, have great friends and a supportive family, and do not believe it’s a chemical imbalance causing these feelings.

Some fears I have about leaving: it would be a nasty divorce, and I do feel like my child would be brainwashed against me. While this happens here and there, most of the time my husband is disengaged from us. Leaving won’t be great, and staying isn’t great for my child either. 

I know it’s often asked what is positive about the relationship. We do have similar values and how we want our life to look like. He’s not a bad person from the outside, but how he treats me, or how I have allowed myself to be treated, and the antagonistic relationship is what’s the major problem. There have never been any apologies or awareness of impact of his actions or words, and if I bring up anything, I’m told I’m starting an argument and then either be put down or stonewalled. We are not friends and I cannot go to him to tell him about my day, or ask for advice, or go to problem solve anything together. I do not feel like I have a partner. Yet he would be there in a crisis, and is more engaged with our child in the last few years than before. 

I am curious from your readers – when did you know it was time to divorce? Have any of your readers regretted divorce and wish they could have worked harder on the marriage? I’d love to hear people’s advice, harsh and all. Thank you! 

– Hopeful but almost defeated