Just Got Married And Have A Crush

Thursday | August 18, 2016

Love Letters Marriage

Just Got Married And Have A Crush

Hi,

I’m 33 and have been happily married for about four months. Back in the day, I used to read your Love Letters. I thought they were pretty good. It’s cool this is still going on.

My wife and I got married mostly because we love each other – but also because of an insurance issue that accelerated things. Suffice it to say, we got married quickly. We’d been dating for about six months.

I love my wife. We have a great time together. And I care about her more than anyone I had known before I started dating her. She’s truly compassionate and wonderful. She also is very sensitive, prone to anxiety and depression. I do not want to cause her pain. But I also like someone I work with a lot.

It would seem very easy to think of it as infatuation. And as I’ve read in other Love Letters (when googling for “colleague” and “wife”), the proper thing is to look for what I’m finding in this colleague within my wife – via therapy perhaps. But sometimes life is tricky and your insurance doesn’t cover therapy very easily. Or sometimes you really wonder if this other person would be amazing with you. I feel like my mind is prone to obsession, and the more I wake up and go to sleep thinking about this colleague, the more difficult it will be to get over it. I come home faithfully every night. But the highlights of my day are just being around this colleague. Everybody wants to be practical about the realities of love and long-term relationships, but is there ever a situation in which one should leave one’s wife? When is it right to follow one’s gut instinct? And how can one do this without hurting or seriously risking psychological injury to someone they love?

– A googler of love

Your issue is a bit different than some of the other “colleague” and “wife” letters. Your wife has only been your wife for a few months, and you knew her less than a year when you married her. If insurance hadn’t been an issue, you wouldn’t be married, and you’d just break up. You’d tell her you aren’t capable of more commitment, and you’d move on – to this colleague or someone else. Yes, you love her, but it sounds like the marriage was all about the insurance. You weren’t ready for that, and now you know it.

Before you run out the door, following your heart and gut, there are some things to consider. You say you’re worried about your wife’s mental health, but are you also concerned about life without her? If you pursue your colleague and it doesn’t work out, will you want to return to your wife? If so, pause, please.

And yeah, I know you don’t want to hear this, but if you’re concerned about your wife’s ability to handle your feelings, you must get professional help. Even if it’s just one or two sessions. Even if it gets you to a place where you can start the conversation. It’s expensive and annoying, but doesn’t your letter suggest that it’s necessary?

As you start dealing with all of this, please know that your decisions about your future should not be based on your colleague. You should be asking yourself whether you were ever ready to commit, and whether you’d prefer this marriage to life on your own.

– Meredith

Readers? What next?

Crush Marriage

Featured Comment

I’ve known a lot of people who stayed married because of insurance, and an illness, but never knew of any who got married for it. I assume your wife is aware of the shaky nature of how you came to be wedded. You both made a mistake, cut your losses and get out. Dragging this out will only make it worse for her in the long run.

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