I've had the same work crush for years

Wednesday | August 7, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

I’ve had the same work crush for years

I have what I think is a fairly common problem. I am married and attracted to one of my (also married) coworkers. Not looking to have an affair or switch jobs, but struggling to manage the dynamic.

It’s been years, so it’s probably not going to go away on its own. I have tried the reasonable things. I told my spouse, years ago, that I was attracted to someone at work, to keep this from being a Big Secret. I don’t allow myself to have more than one drink around the coworker. I have only positive things to say about their spouse, and mine, in our conversations.

I have done enough self-reflection and therapy that I understand this is more about fantasy and novelty and dopamine than it is about my coworker, that a large part of the attraction is the fact that it will never happen, and that I can enjoy this person, both as a colleague (and maybe as a crush?), without acting on that attraction or acknowledging it to them.

But also, it’s been YEARS. I see this person almost every day, and will – until one of us changes employers. They are deep enough in my subconscious that they appear in my dreams. We have a dynamic that probably looks like flirtation (and maybe is?). We work together, sometimes closely, and occasionally socialize (in an above board way) outside of work. I think it would be better if I could neuter the physical attraction. And my caution – not drinking too much around them, avoiding being alone behind a closed door, etc. – is weirdly titillating, and makes me feel like we’re on the verge of an explosive affair, when they are supposed to just be unsexy, responsible actions. If I knew this were one-sided, I would feel briefly humiliated and then get over it, but I don’t think I have an appropriate way to get that information (and believe, possibly delusionally, that the attraction is mutual).

Is there a better way to handle this?

– Crushed

A high school friend – one who’s a mental health professional – once warned me that grief can be addictive. She said anything can become ritual, really – even an annoying or sad feeling.

She told me to watch for that – so I don’t get stuck.

I do not have her degrees, but I think her warning can be applied to crushes, too. Because longing can be addictive. Pining, wishing, and fantasizing can become the thing that always happens on a Monday.

Unless you fix things on your side.

My advice is to revisit therapy in a new way – because understanding the reality of an experience doesn’t always help you change your behavior. You need real skills to dissolve this kind of obsessive crush. It requires a plan.

It’s no simple feat to undo years of practice, and that’s just what you’ve been doing – perfecting this infatuation! You’ve fine-tuned your skills and have become a professional at wanting this guy at work. I’m thinking of the letter writer from May who mentioned the concept of limerence. Maybe that applies here.

Sometimes it takes real cognitive behavioral therapy work to stop a pattern of thought that puts you on a never-ending ferris wheel.

Also, I do think you might benefit from talking more about your marriage. Because the excitement at work could be happening at home. I know nothing about your relationship with your partner, but I bet it has the potential to be romantic, sneaky, fun, and something to look forward to.

Ask a therapist for a more effective style of behavior-changing help so you’re talking less about what it all means, and more about what to do next.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you get over a crush you can’t pursue? Is this about the crush or something at home? Advice on getting out of the habit of wanting someone?

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Ask your own question. It helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Also, former letter writers, please send me an update! What happened after you wrote in? Did the advice help? Email me at [email protected]. Tell us everything.

Office Crush Marriage

Featured Comment

There are some pretty great people in this world that stand out from the crowd. By your account you work with one. Being attracted to other people is natural and it doesn’t stop just because you’re married.

For the most part you seem to be doing everything necessary to avoid trouble. The one thing you should work on is the constant idea that this is a grand affair that’s on the verge of happening. You should be able to go into your job thinking “hey I get to see my hot coworker, yes!” as opposed to thinking today could the day he/she finally blurts out they feel like you do. That’s what I’d be telling a therapist is the gist of matter.

On an entirely different topic, you’ve been at this job for years? I know you said you don’t want a change, but maybe it’s become boring? If it has become routine, having your crush there might be a crutch, a way to help you through the monotony. Gone are the days where one person stays at the same job and never leaves. Maybe a change isn’t a bad idea just to keep yourself from getting stale.

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