It's been 11 years. We're still not married.

Friday | January 23, 2026

Love Letters Marriage

It’s been 11 years. We’re still not married.

Last night I received a text from a family member that said:
“happy anniversary.” I was confused until I realized … Jan. 22 is our anniversary. As in OURS. Love Letters launched Jan. 22, 2009.

We are at the point in our relationship where we’ve been together so long that I forgot our anniversary. Which means I have to grovel and buy flowers.

Please know: I am so grateful Love Letters is here, that you are here, and that people send their questions to this column, so we can all feel a little less lonely about our own.

For our anniversary, as it snows (or is simply very cold), send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected]. And if you send a question today, you’ll be entered into this giveaway for a “Heated Rivalry”-themed pregame party on Saturday night.

Since my divorce, I have been in an on-and-off relationship with someone for over 11 years.

We have broken up a few times due to arguments, mainly regarding his inability to commit to marrying me, even though he claims to want marriage someday. We have lived together in his house for the past 18 months, but this is set to end soon.

At first we shared a bed, but I have since moved to the guest bedroom. We get along OK as roommates, but I have shut down emotionally because of his failure to ask me to marry him, which is what I wanted.

Now I’m not sure what I want, but the current arrangement isn’t working for either one of us. I’m planning to move out soon unless this can be resolved, but we are in a stalemate at present. How can we move forward, or should we just admit defeat and move on?

– Defeated

It’s time to move on, but please don’t call it defeat. This relationship was an experience – with many nice moments (I assume).

There weren’t enough shared goals to keep things going, but I have to believe there was love.

Defeat would be pretending this is OK and accepting the status quo. You’re calling out the problem and acknowledging you need more. Good for you.

Now you can set up new housing (if you haven’t already) and reach out to people who might support you through a life change. Focus on your future instead of … down the hall.

I’m sorry you didn’t get a lifetime commitment out of this, but it’s better to know that someone doesn’t want the same things. I’m not sure there’s much room for compromise when one person requires marriage and the other wants to avoid it.

It’s been 11 years. The answers seem final.

You won’t be able to exhale until you’re out of the house, it seems, so get that going. Stay busy.

Please remember to ask supportive friends how they’re doing, too. This is a good time to focus on others and listen.

– Meredith

Readers? Defeat? Is there any other path than breaking up?

Relationships can be confusing. What’s on your mind about your own connections? Send an anonymous question through the form – or email [email protected].

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