Is this a sexless marriage – officially?
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Q.
I am wondering your thoughts on a sex-free marriage. My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years. Overall we are very happy, and I consider myself so so lucky. He is handsome, kind, smart, considerate, a great dad, and we like to do nearly everything together. Biggest problem has always been in the bedroom.
He has always had a low sex drive, and for the last 20 years or so we have rarely had sex more than once a month, but when we did it was fun and it definitely made me feel closer to him. As the years have gone on however, intimacy has been less and less and now we are dealing with ED. When we make a time to get intimate (have to schedule it due to pill) it feels forced and it’s not as much fun as it used to be.
I’m thinking of telling him I don’t want to have sex ever again with him. It seems like too much work and is very disappointing when he can’t perform. Is this a bad idea? Of course I’ve been googling “sex-less marriage” and over and over I read about how much more intimacy can add to a relationship, but it just seems like a waste of time, considering how lackluster things have been for years, and recently even more so. He isn’t interested in seeing a sex therapist, although I told him that was the only idea I had for really tackling some of our issues. But he also doesn’t jump on the idea of just committing to being sex-free, which frankly surprised me.
– Going Without
A.
I’m not a fan of you saying – and proclaiming – that you want to give up on sex with your partner. It sounds like a punishment – for both of you.
Maybe committing to a life without sex lets you relax, because you won’t have to feel like you’re grasping at something out of reach, but it leaves no room for people to change their minds. It’s also about you making a decision for two people.
My advice is to go to the sex therapist on your own. Talk about the issues, and how to process how all of this has made you feel.
Tell your husband you’d like him to join you. Maybe it will be less intimidating/scary if he’s going with you – to support you. We did a podcast episode about a sex therapist last year, and it occurred to me that many people misunderstand what they do. He might be imagining – and put off by – things that don’t even happen. (I do recommend that episode for you, as a lesson in what sex therapy can offer. I also recommend our episode about a couple that has sex about once a year.)
I want to tell you that physical intimacy doesn’t have to be sex or nothing – that there are a bunch of other lovely things to do that sit in the middle of all of that. But I imagine you’re sick of reading about all the ways you can almost get what you want.
Instead, I’ll just say this starts with therapy. If you know more about yourself and how you’ve experienced this relationship, you’ll be able to figure out what it might be in the future. I wish your husband initiated this help for himself, but I also have great empathy for someone who fears being told he’s not doing enough, or can’t do what makes you happy.
After you seek this counsel, you’ll be able to tell him what this help looks like.
Focus on that. Don’t make rules. No proclamations about “never, ever.” You’re committed, instead, to learning more.
– Meredith
Readers? Can you talk about how you’ve talked about sex with a partner? What have you experienced with sex therapy? Have you ever made a proclamation that there would be no more sex?
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