I’m Worried About My Marriage

Wednesday | August 31, 2016

Love Letters Marriage

I’m Worried About My Marriage

We’ll chat at 1 p.m.

I’m married to a great man. He’s smart, kind, and loyal, and I’m often told by others that they envy our relationship. We’ve been together for over a decade, which has been by and large wonderful. In the last two years, though, I’ve felt we are growing apart. When I raise this to him he doesn’t see it, and doesn’t feel there is any issue.

We share similar interests and spend a lot of our free time together. I have to plan and manage all of that and am finding myself drawn more and more to solo interests or to planning things with my girlfriends and not him. He does not have friends he plans things with on his own, and I wind up controlling his social calendar. I’ve focused on myself to try to fix the issue, in case this was about me being depressed or out of line. After soul searching, I know that my needs aren’t being met. I’ve asked to go to counseling together but it hasn’t happened, although I have gone by myself to a couple of sessions and haven’t found it useful to date.

Our sex life is OK; he’s satisfied and I want more, but I’m also no longer feeling attracted or connected to him. I find myself nagging him about stupid stuff. I don’t think we have great communication skills and I’m no longer confident we have the same life goals, though he reassures me we do. He doesn’t see any of these issues, which makes me feel like the problem is me, but it’s been persistent for long enough that I know it’s larger.

We married young and I fear we have grown apart as we’ve grown up. I don’t want to ruin a great thing haphazardly. I’m not disillusioned enough to think I will find someone better. I don’t long to be alone but I do long for more than I’m getting. We don’t have any children and we would both be fine financially separately so I’m not constrained in those ways. My questions are: How long do you keep trying to repair what used to be? When is it time to walk away? I’ve been trying for well over a year to fix the issues. Can the love we used to have return? I’m not the type to give up, but I’m not seeing the solution here, and it would help knowing what the tipping point was for others that pushed them to either cut their losses or get their situation fixed.

– How to proceed

“I’ve asked to go to counseling together but it hasn’t happened.”

Well, that’s one way to proceed. You know couples counseling would help you figure out why you’re having such different experiences in the same marriage. Instead of contemplating your exit, use all of your energy to manage your husband’s social calendar right into a professional’s office.

Also know that it often takes more than a few sessions to get something out of therapy on your own. Sometimes it takes trying more than one therapist. It’s annoying – and yet another thing you have to schedule into your day – but you’ll need the space for reflection no matter what comes next.

Marriages ebb and flow, and the whole point is to figure out ways to fall in love with each other all over again. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Let your husband know that you’re struggling, and that help is necessary now.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you share your experiences?

Marriage

Featured Comment

You shouldn’t be trying to recreate what you had. The past is the past and cannot be the future. You should try to build on something new. You don’t grow as a couple by moving backward.

McDimmerson Share Thoughts