I’m Married, But Still Thinking About My Work Crush

Tuesday | July 7, 2020

Love Letters Marriage

I’m Married, But Still Thinking About My Work Crush

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I’m married and have a crush on a guy that works in the same industry. Since the first day I met him, I just automatically clicked with him. I thought, “Who is this hot guy?,” which is odd for me because I never feel that kind of attraction to anyone.

I would see him around every so often, and I would enjoy his company (and enjoyed just looking at him). Time went on, and when he would see me, he would occasionally ask me to lunch (two times), and nothing more happened. He did have a girlfriend at this time.

Then a year or so later, when he was single, we made out a couple of times over a three-year period. Sometimes he’d text to see if I wanted to meet up. We’d hang out with his friends and sometimes spend time at his house. Once, we kissed for a couple hours; nothing more. Then my schedule made it harder for me to see him. He asked to make plans a few times, but I wasn’t available and he gave up.

I have not heard from him in about five months, and I just heard he is seeing someone. Which is bad news for me because I do like him and want him around. (Yes, I know I’m married, but my marriage is more like we are good friends.) Any insight?

– Crushing

My insight: I think you should focus on the terms of your marriage.

You say that you and your spouse are more like friends, but … is that what your spouse would tell us? You’re plotting an affair (I guess you’ve already been having one), and maybe your partner would be OK with that – every marriage has unique boundaries – but it doesn’t sound like you know that for sure. Your letter doesn’t say much about the infidelity part of this, but if the rules haven’t been discussed at home, please have that conversation.

You also say that this work crush asked you to hang out multiple times and that you weren’t available. Probably because you’re married. If you like and respect this crush, accept that he’s in a relationship and delete him from your brain as a possibility for companionship. You can file him under “nice memories” or “hot guys” and leave it at that. He has chosen to pursue someone who can be present with him. That’s not what you were offering, and that’s why it ended.

Sometimes crushes are unavoidable, but you don’t have to act on them. It’s healthy to fantasize, but you can leave the feelings there. This crush ran its course, and this guy hasn’t felt the need to reach out in five months. Try to figure out what you’re missing and whether you can get that at home – and if you want to.

– Meredith

Readers? This letter writer seems quite breezy about all of this. Should there be any more communication with this crush?

Cheating Office Crush Marriage