If I’d met him before my husband …
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Q.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I love him. He loves me. No issues there.
We are best friends with a couple, let’s call them Adam and Eve. We get along SO well and do everything together. We became friends after I met Adam in college (he was in one of my classes). He was already dating Eve and I was already dating my husband.
Adam and I got along so well that I wanted to be friends with him. Once I met Eve, I wanted to be friends with both of them. My husband and Adam are now besties, too. It’s great.
But I’ve always wondered, even though Adam and I are more like brother and sister at this point, if we had met each other before our significant others came along, would we have dated?
And I’ve always wanted to ask him if he’s ever thought the same. Not that it would change ANYTHING. Adam and Eve are the perfect couple and they belong together; my husband and I are the perfect couple and we belong together. There is no ulterior motive to the question other than just to laugh and say, “Yes! Definitely thought the same thing, haha,” and then we move on. But I’m pretty sure I can’t actually say it out loud without it ruining some part of our friendship. What do you think?
– Wondering
A.
Do not say it. Not because it will ruin everything, but because you’re talking about some butterfly-effect situation that means nothing.
What if you had gone to a different college? What if you had dumped your husband and met a different guy? You could play this game with every choice you’ve ever made.
My guess is that somewhere beneath this question is the real question: “Is it OK that sometimes I wonder about my connection to Adam?” My answer to that one is: yes, it’s totally OK! Friends can have great chemistry that sometimes mimics romance. You know the boundaries, and you’re sure you want to be with your husband and friends with Adam.
This is all good – and sounds like an ideal social situation. Your college feelings for Adam do not have to make it weird. Relationships have layers and change over time.
Revisit this question when you’re 92, sitting with Adam and reminiscing. It will be an excellent conversation then. For now, let it be.
The four of you share almost everything, it seems, but you’re allowed to keep this question to yourself.
– Meredith
Readers? Is there a way to bring this up casually? Why bring it up at all? Is everyone thinking it? Is it OK if there are tiny feelings for Adam from back in the day?
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