There isn’t one right way to get close to someone. There are no “rules” when it comes to growing a relationship.

Some things you can try to know someone better: Ask questions. Share experiences and make memories. Notice things – like moods, favorite foods, etc.

The “ask questions” part seems to be key. If someone’s interested in knowing you more, they inquire about a bunch of things (your past, what you like, who you know). Hopefully, the interest is mutual.

Please know that some relationships are best when they sit closer to polite than super close. Maybe your MIL’s relationship with your kids was fantastic because they always came first, and the two of you never strayed from that model.

Also, you’re grieving her and wondering what you missed, so maybe you were closer than you think. Intimacy doesn’t always look like long conversations and knowing every detail about a person’s past. Sometimes it’s about sharing a routine with someone, and being able to trust that they’ll always show up. That’s a different kind of closeness, and it’s important, too.

Every mother-in-law relationship is different. You’ll have your own thing with any child-in-law that comes your way. If you find that you’re not close enough (whatever that means), you can always say, “I’d love for us to be more connected. Is that annoying? Nice to hear? Is there anything I can do?” Make space for kid-in-laws to give honest answers.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law. Sounds like you have a great family.