I think I’ve solved a relationship riddle. Can I help others?
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Q.
I feel I have earned my doctorate in twosomes. I was married to my first husband for just short of 25 years when he died. It was a good marriage and we had three children. I stayed single for approximately 15 years. Then I met a gentleman in the cemetery. We were doing the usual maintenances at our mates’ graves.
We had never met before but our names were familiar to each other (the graves are near each other). I had moved out of our small town many years ago. He was a good source about who was still around. I enjoyed this chance to find old friends, etc. We became very close and did a lot of social events.
We took care of each other and had fun, but it lasted about five years – until he died of cancer. I was very grateful for my time with him – he took me out of my life as a homebody and brought me back to the living.
I was determined not to become reclusive after losing him. I searched for a club to join but it did not work. Finally, I turned to the internet and started corresponding with a man from out of state. Big mistake. The traveling between states was long and gas was expensive. I didn’t want to “live in sin.” I was also looking for a change – so I moved to be with him.
He claimed he had a lot of friends (lie). Then more and more lies. He became abusive. I left – saving my own life, I’m sure – and moved into an over-55 community about 20 miles from my original home. I met a new man and we are in a mutual-understanding relationship – we both agreed that we do not want to be married, nor will we live together. We live in single houses about 100 feet apart (one dwelling between our properties) we can see each other’s driveway. We keep tabs on each other, but we have privacy. We watch television at our own place; neither one of us needs to watch the other’s shows. Heaven.
Food is no longer a problem – fix what you want, when you want, but on occasions we do eat together and join each other and families. When the ambulance shows up at my door he is here before you know it and has already called my family. It is the best – close, private, and dependable. If I ever remarry call the men in the white coats.
Is this a model for others? Not a problem, just an offer of a better way?
– Side by side
A.
First, thank you for sharing your story. It’s always interesting (to me, at least) to hear how someone has navigated relationships, met strangers, and figured out a new model for living well.
You offer your letter as a possible guide. And yes, there are some great ideas in there.
But … your path involves being able to afford your own place, being at a point where you’re not dealing with kids, and also randomly meeting people who are in close proximity. Many of our readers might not like the guy who lives two doors down.
Happenstance can be a wonderful thing, but you can’t plan for it.
Maybe the real lesson is about going with your gut and building a life that works, with or without a partner. You lost your husband and found a new routine – then you happened to meet someone who added to what you had built. After losing that man, you tried new things – until your status quo felt awful. Then you left because you prioritized yourself.
Later, after finding a great place to settle down, you were still open, making space for company in a way that felt safe and good.
I consider this and say to myself, “She gave herself permission to change, make mistakes, learn new lessons, and move on to the next thing.” That’s cool. So many of us get stuck. Or we can’t stop thinking about the bad stuff. Or we’re too hard on ourselves about making choices that didn’t bring happiness.
You call it earning your doctorate in twosomes, giving yourself credit for the experience.
I like that take on things.
I know you didn’t ask much of a question – only whether your choices might help people who are confused about how to find happiness through partnership. I’d say yes, even if your opportunities and resources might be unique.
You’re all about adjusting to change and figuring out ways to make life better. A good reminder that others can do that, too.
– Meredith
Readers? What do you take from this story? Any lessons you want to share about how to set up relationships when you’re older? Or when you’re younger and need something new? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.
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