I must start this letter by telling you to find a therapist, if you don’t already have one. You’re feeling a ton of pressure and dealing with a pretty long list of obligations.

Feeling like a shell of yourself is no good. There’s help for that, so ask for it. Places to find good referrals for therapy: your doctor, your insurance company (sometimes), the internet, friends, etc.

Now, for my unlicensed, unprofessional advice … 

We’ve had a lot of letters lately about sex, marital conversations, fear of disappointment, and people not being who they were when they were young and had no responsibilities.

I’d like people – including you – to be nicer to themselves. Maybe you can’t have perfect sex right now, but guess what? There are a zillion things you can do right now that weren’t on your list of skills before. You can parent three children at once! You can maintain a sense of humor, even when life is messy. Why not give yourself credit for all of these new talents? Of course you can’t fit cinematic sex into a 30-minute window when you probably need four more hours of sleep. 

Please lower the bar so that the goal is intimacy and fun. Take that small window of free time and make peace with being super sloppy about it. Use it to pass out in bed next to your wife, telling her what you would do with two more hours.

Know that if you can’t pull off what you used to (because you have three kids!), you are not a shell of yourself. You’re your whole self – just at a different place in life. With more time, this will be easier, and then maybe you’ll miss something else.

Try to identify your new abilities and name them. Giving yourself more credit might lead to confidence, forgiveness, and happiness all around.