I feel a deep connection outside of my marriage
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Q.
I have been married for 18 years. My husband and I have two children in high school. When I met my husband, I looked him in the eyes and knew immediately that we’d get married and have kids. It felt comfortable, calm, and right.
I have been happy and never wanted out of the relationship. My husband is a good man and a good father. We still laugh, travel, have fun together, and have supported each other well over the years. All true, and yet … a few years ago, as I was helping my son with something at his school, I looked up into a man’s eyes, and for only the second time in my life upon meeting someone, I had an overwhelming intuitive feeling. The feeling was that I should get to know this new man deeply, that he should be part of my life.
These feelings came over me within seconds of meeting him, without any time for logical thought. We had very little reason to interact at the time, so generally we didn’t, but occasionally we would chat when we were in the same location (I sometimes had to go to his workplace). We have never spent any time alone together.
We now have NO reason to interact because he has moved on from that job, yet we mildly stay in-touch. We text, but only a few times a year and have once talked on the phone. The problem is, I think about him all the time, and in a “more than friends” way. I am very practical and understand I know very little about this man. If we did get to know each other, we may not even LIKE each other. I have never asked him to get together or said anything in text that I would not show my husband. I do not delete the texts from my phone, though I admit I have not discussed this situation with my husband.
I tell myself this is a fantasy, that I should get over him and seek therapy if because thinking about him all the time is not healthy. I should consider what might be missing from my current relationship that I may be looking to this fantasy man to fulfill. But I trust my intuition, and it screams that I should NOT let this man go completely and forever. Questions: Should I ignore my intuition and cut off communication and get over him once and for all? Is there harm in keeping the fantasy and occasional communication going as long as we do not cross any lines?
– Lines
A.
Sounds like you should end the communication. The more you talk to this man, the more you grow your story about how the two of you are meant to have some kind of connection.
Sometimes we meet people who seem different, fascinating, familiar, and safe. That doesn’t mean we have to know every one of them – or keep them around as possible romantic partners. Think about all of the people in the world who could be a good friend to you if you had more time to get to know them. Part of life is accepting that we don’t get to have every experience. Often, we leave people in a moment – and that’s all we get.
You mention exploring what might be missing in your marriage. That seems like a great way to shift your energy. It’s possible nothing is missing, by the way. A crush on someone else doesn’t mean your real relationship lacks something important. Still, you could benefit from making plans with your husband.
Prioritize quality time. Think about life after the kids are done with high school. A new era is coming, so get excited about it.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you walk away from deep connections? What do they tell us?
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